I do not know what I'm doing.
Life is very very tricky.
First, a story.
I was about 15, which for me was still in my terrible teenage attitude-y years. My parents and I were somewhere getting a pop at a convenience store. Two girls, that looked to be my age except for their slutty make up and clothes that made them look like old tranzie skanks, pulled up in a red mustang. They MIGHT have been old enough to drive, but they could have been just joy riding. My dad was inside, my mother and I were in the car. Some sort of exchange happened with a guy that came out of the convenience store, and then the girls suddenly had two monstrous cans of beer. My dad got in the car, called the local police department, and told them the make and model of the car and where it was headed, and that two young girls were drinking and driving, and then we went on our way. I got very upset as all this unfolded. Not that I was condoning what the girls were doing, just that it was startling to me at the time. Just because of how everything was a huge deal at that age. I had never dealt with those kinds of consequences, and I felt sorry for the girls that would soon have consequences that would feel monumental, possibly affecting the rest of their lives. I'll never forget what I said.
"Dad... you probably just ruined those girls' lives."
"Or saved them." He said.
This isn't a drinking and driving activism thing, its a perspective thing.
I see both sides. I see the "second chance" side because I feel for people that make mistakes and find themselves with consequences they weren't ready for. But I also see where a dumb decision on a silly night with your best friend can be very dangerous and reckless for a lot of other people. I still don't know what I would have done if I had been alone.
I don't know a lot of things lately.
I've been told its about the journey. The goals along the way are not destinations, but layovers.
But to live like that, for me, would mean that I need only to enjoy today. And if that were the case, I certainly would not include reading Western Civilizations in my day. But that is something I need to do. Obligations and all that.
But I'm getting very frustrated with college.
Its really a dumb idea when you think about it like I do.
Caitlyn told me to write this down.
She said its going to be in my book.
"College. Where else in the real, living, practical world will you find a close proximity population of primarily singles, writing with pen and paper (computers anyone?), living off of someone else's income, not contributing to society but merely leaching whatever information they can out of other people, and only needing to take care of each one's own needs?
WHERE ELSE WOULD THAT EVER HAPPEN IN THE REAL WORLD?
It doesn't. I hate waking up, thinking about what I'm going to eat, what time I need to get to class, how much I need to study, when do I get to take a nap. Its pointless and its not good for me.
But mostly, I'm frustrated with myself.
Sometimes I think I would have behaved totally differently on a different day. Done better on a test had it been on Monday instead of Tuesday. Done the right thing instead of the wrong one if I had had my lucky panties on. I want desperately to take this on. I want to be a doctor. Its something I've never written down because its something I'm scared I'll never get or that I'll change my mind. I want to be the right person for someone to marry not just find the right person. I want fun, girl, friends that help each other and love each other. I want simple. I want cheesecake spilled all over my tshirt and jeans from wrestling on a picnic. But I want lipstick and combat boots and fancy nights out. I want to put unconditional love into practice. I want to put others before myself. I don't want to be bitter anymore. I want balance. I don't want to panic about tests. I want to trust God. I want to write and run and bake and dance. I want to pick something, anything, make some sort of decision and then beat the crap out of it until its lemonade. I believe I was made strong willed to be able to lead people, yet I have no followers. I believe I need to be a part of something bigger than myself, daily. But I spend my time wishing for these days of my life to be over. I wish I could start my life, instead of in college, a place designed to focus on ones' self. Stop.
Stop right there. This is where I struggle. My plans. All that I want. Trying to make it fit in a box that I can figure out, plan out, and carry out. But God whispers,
There are not words for what I have for you. You need only to trust Me. It will work out. I do not leave My children.
Its so very hard. I'm hurting. I don't know the answers. I know that I am thankful for today. I am thankful for the consequences I have avoided, and those that I now have to live with. I am thankful for my family and the friends that have stayed by my side. I am thankful for those that haven't, for they have helped me to improve, though I still have a long way to go. I'm thankful for the opportunities I have. But I'm done with this sickening worry. I'm done being so self absorbed that I don't even see the way I treat people.
Today I hurt. I never understand those people, that when something comes to an end, they say "I'd do it all over again."
Living without regrets seems sort of a bad way to go. Yeah, I'd do it all again, but I would do it so differently. It would look much better if I got to do it over again. So today I cry. I hurt for everything missing from my life because of this ending. But I'm okay with this for now because I know that someday I'll miss these days just like I miss high school now.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Friday, February 10, 2012
what i really think of stupid people
Would you like to discuss conception and prenatal development? Oh. So just me then? No one else wants to hear it? Oh well...
When I ponder the human body, there are two ways I approach it usually. I think a lot of people do this too.
1) If the human body is malfunctioning in some way, the approach is one of disapproval. For example, I know I've said this statement a few times, "Gah, why can't my stomach just work correctly?"or in the case of observing other people bodies malfunctioning I think, "Jeez what is wrong with their brain?"
2) If the human body pushes a limit, exceeds an expectation or overcomes an illness or disease, the response is like "Wow, aren't our bodies amazing?"
The thing is, both options are true. We are incredibly fragile but incredibly strong. People can run Ironmans and Ultramarathons but if a saline IV's Sodium Chloride concentration is a thousandth of a percent off from .9%, you've either got yourself someone with red blood cells shrunken so small they can't hold hemoglobin, thus oxygen, so you die, or you get someone whose red blood cells bloat up with water until they burst and then they die. Pretty weird right, that kind of contrast?
I read a lot of pregnancy books. I read "what to expect when you're expecting" when I was 13. Cover to cover. I read scholarly books and mainstream, "walmart" books alike on fertility, prenatal development, childbirth, the whole deal. I'm aware that it makes me a nerd Its very intriguing to me and I think I've figured out why.
I could write a very long paper on the absolute impossibility that can be seen if/when a healthy woman releases a healthy egg and that turns into a healthy human, because from the moment ovulation occurs, so many things can go wrong. An egg isn't even guaranteed to make it into the uterine tube! It can be released into the abdominal cavity, never to be seen again, or it could be fertilized out there and then we have a real problem. Regardless, I believe that the entire process is meant to be seen as amazing, and impossible from the very beginning, so as to raise attention to the miraculousness of the fact that this is how we get our humans, that they are perfectly and wonderfully made. I see the huge amount of things that had to go right for you to be standing in front of me, and through that I see God's hand, ever present, and I know that he thinks we are pretty cool too.
So when I call you an idiot, bear in mind the fact that I am still aware of the incredible, reverent, amazing, impossible thing that you are, know that your being, your body puts me in awe on a daily basis and that I know some of the sheer, perfect, pristine order and process that it took for you to become at least a living, (if not all the time) functional human being.
And this fact, the fact that I can see past your current state of being stupid, and still know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are amazing, is why I feel I'm called to deliver your babies.
"How it gives my heart blood"
Specks
When I ponder the human body, there are two ways I approach it usually. I think a lot of people do this too.
1) If the human body is malfunctioning in some way, the approach is one of disapproval. For example, I know I've said this statement a few times, "Gah, why can't my stomach just work correctly?"or in the case of observing other people bodies malfunctioning I think, "Jeez what is wrong with their brain?"
2) If the human body pushes a limit, exceeds an expectation or overcomes an illness or disease, the response is like "Wow, aren't our bodies amazing?"
The thing is, both options are true. We are incredibly fragile but incredibly strong. People can run Ironmans and Ultramarathons but if a saline IV's Sodium Chloride concentration is a thousandth of a percent off from .9%, you've either got yourself someone with red blood cells shrunken so small they can't hold hemoglobin, thus oxygen, so you die, or you get someone whose red blood cells bloat up with water until they burst and then they die. Pretty weird right, that kind of contrast?
I read a lot of pregnancy books. I read "what to expect when you're expecting" when I was 13. Cover to cover. I read scholarly books and mainstream, "walmart" books alike on fertility, prenatal development, childbirth, the whole deal. I'm aware that it makes me a nerd Its very intriguing to me and I think I've figured out why.
I could write a very long paper on the absolute impossibility that can be seen if/when a healthy woman releases a healthy egg and that turns into a healthy human, because from the moment ovulation occurs, so many things can go wrong. An egg isn't even guaranteed to make it into the uterine tube! It can be released into the abdominal cavity, never to be seen again, or it could be fertilized out there and then we have a real problem. Regardless, I believe that the entire process is meant to be seen as amazing, and impossible from the very beginning, so as to raise attention to the miraculousness of the fact that this is how we get our humans, that they are perfectly and wonderfully made. I see the huge amount of things that had to go right for you to be standing in front of me, and through that I see God's hand, ever present, and I know that he thinks we are pretty cool too.
So when I call you an idiot, bear in mind the fact that I am still aware of the incredible, reverent, amazing, impossible thing that you are, know that your being, your body puts me in awe on a daily basis and that I know some of the sheer, perfect, pristine order and process that it took for you to become at least a living, (if not all the time) functional human being.
And this fact, the fact that I can see past your current state of being stupid, and still know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are amazing, is why I feel I'm called to deliver your babies.
"How it gives my heart blood"
Specks
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