OCD

Today was ocd.
I meticulously rewrote all my psychology notes very neatly and studied them.
I lined up my hairs that fell out on my hands in the shower before washing them down the drain.
I neatly folded my tissues before blowing my nose.
I drew pictures in my caramel with my apple slices.
I refolded all my pants.
I did 100m of lunges... precisely.
I took the time to perfectly coiff my hair after my shower.
I already put my books, stacked biggest to smallest in my backpack for tomorrow.
I love slow days.

mantras

"I want to talk to you about the subject of plans. Not so much my plan for this column, but life plans, and how we all make them. And how we hope that our kids make good, smart, safe plans of their own. But if we're really honest with ourselves, our plans usually don't work out as we had hoped. So instead of asking our young people "What are you plans? What do you plan to do with your life?" maybe we should tell them this: Plan to be surprised." -Dan in Real Life

I have these dreams. Big ones. They're always changing, I add, subtract, and alter as God shows me His heart and a little of my own. If you see me, you should ask me about some of them. Some of them, I can't tell you because they're like those rare bubbles, the huge, perfect bubble, that wobbles and shakes and you try to keep it alive but once somebody else sees that huge bubble, all the want to do is come pop that big bubble. I don't think you want to kill my bubble, I just think that the more people that know, the more likely it is that it will die. And I also, I will feel silly saying them aloud. Here is somewhat of a photo representation of maybe some of what I want in my life, in some sort of weird combination, pick and choose type way. In a nutshell, I can say "My dream is to bring glory to God"- and I mean it- I just like to picture it, to go a little further and nail down the exact desires of my heart. After that point, I can say "That's what I want. Now, God, what can You do with that?" Then, its up to Him. And from that point on, I can move forward, enjoy the journey, know with absolute uncertainty where I'm going and at the same time know with absolute certainty, that I'll be okay along the way.

In no particular order, chronological or priority wise.

                                            

now

Little Katie

I love herrrrr. She's all kinds of quirky.

Very watchful and passionate.

Her voice is precious. 

She has the best, goofy grin around.

I kind of hope her pronunciation doesn't improve as she gets older because the way she says things is so darned cute.

She screams things if you don't respond quick enough or if she doesn't get her way. "Andi, I want to help youuuuuuuu!"

She keeps up with her older sisters very well, but you can also catch her playing alone or with Julie sometimes.

One time, a boy her age in her church nursery class bit her hand when they weren't getting along. She talked about it for weeks! Anytime she said "Amos bite me, she'd hold up her hand and make you kiss it.  "Katie, do you want a cookie?" "Amos bite me!"

Later the same day... "Kate Cakes, let's go play over there." "Amos bite me."

sometimes

Sometimes I want to go out there and work hard for the best the world has to offer. I have the drive, the motivation, the independence.
And sometimes I just don't want to try, and I convince myself that I don't care. Someone else needs to do the hard work or at least help and I'll reap the benefits. I just do not have it in me.
Guess which day it is.

dying.

the following is how my night went last night
1:00 am got in bed
3:14 am opened my eyes because i felt like my legs were bathing in graham cracker crumbs and my stomach hurt
3:24 am got out of bed, proceeded to a community bathroom presumably to throw up
3:30 am got a little bit different of a suprise
3:35 am sat on the floor, facing the toilet, mentally noting the stains and hairs mingling on the toilet seat i was about to put my face in
3:40 am whined the word "mommy"
3:41 am my first wish for death of the night
4:00 am fell asleep on my arm of the side of the toilet, whining
4:15 am looked at my watch, wished that my death was quicker than an hour, more whining
4:44 am thought maybe the worst was over, so went back to bed, whining still
5:47 am woke up again, went back to my special toilet (first stall)
5:52 am went back to the room, got my pillow, blanket, and water bottle and laid on the floor outside the bathroom
7:40 am called zach to take me to the nurse
7:46 am nevermind to zach, thought i was going to throw up in the dorm
7:51 am called zach back, went to the nurse
8:00 am threw up in the nurses office, zach held my hair and gave me tissues. puke came out my nose. my second wish for death.
i'm tired so im not gonna finish this but you get the idea. i went to the doctor, got medicine and slept the rest of the day but so far this is the worst experience of college. i always just want to die anticipating puking but as usual.....
I'll be okay

things i love today

Fall weather
Fall clothes
Switchfoot's Hello Hurricane
This school's hot chocolate
Rearranging the room (pictures to follow)
Reading the Bible and Blue Like Jazz aloud with my roommate
Zumba
Tuesdays

this is abbey. i lock her in this cage everyday from 7 to 9

our new room arrangement

lights out night night

Now, here is a face I would like to have seen today.

Oh miss macey...

Twin to Stevie. FIVE years old almost!

She's very affectionate and very sensitive.

She can pick up on tone like none other.

She loves to wear my orange heels and dress up in my clothes.

She always tells me when I look pretty.

I love watching her cart baby Julie around because its such a picture of sisterhood.

Neither one are comfortable; Julie is too heavy for Macey and Macey just ends up grabbing an arm or wrapping her arms around Julie from behind and dragging her.

But neither one of them mind, they're happy to go where the other one is.

She'll talk your ear off. One more Macey story.

Whenever she sees my pictures of needtobreathe she asks "Is that your 'boys?" She then asks what all their names are-except for one. ;) She happens to know one in particular's name already, and for that I will always love her.

rubber hitting the road

I can live with anything. Life goes on and I'll be okay. The older I get, the quicker I can look back in retrospect and say, " I shouldn't have done that." Take for instance, my photoshop project that I was sick of dedicating my time and effort to, so I just did it to get it done. It looked awful. Its something I would have done in a heartbeat in high school because it didn't matter, but I feel like it does now. I know it wasn't my best and its been eating at me.
Another example, on Thursday, I broke a kindergartener's spirit. I was harder on her for not cleaning up because she was one of the few children not being a hellion all day and I was stressed out because nobody told me what to do with 15 first graders and so I got mad at her and she sin't like me the rest of the day. This has also been eating at me.
With all these new chapters opening and old ones closing, I looked back on the last 10 years of my life today during psychology and these are the highlights- some are more important and eventful than others.

2000- The year I was class president
2001- The year I learned to worry
2002- The year my sister got married
2003- The year of academic over-achievement
2004- The year I learned my faith requires action
2005- The year I became an aunt
2006- The year I learned I was a leader
2007- The year I had an awesome group of friends (or what seemed like it at the time)
2008- The year of learning not to be miserable
2009- The year I fell in love
2010- The year of learning about myself