Rest Assured

     So pretend like you're me. You blog on May 30. With EVERY intention to make this a blog-ful summer of your good times and hardships that aren't really hardships at all and your painfully unexciting whereabouts. And then you look at your watch one day and realize that you've been so blissfully busy, and at the same time, not really that busy at all that you haven't even blogged once at all and it is already July 18th! These, dear friends that actually read this (and mom), are the shoes I wear.
     I attempted to blog, I swear I did! You can look at my drafts and word documents. But I always end up taking my sweet little life and turning into to something long and serious and rambling and it becomes something that I don't feel like will have a lot of resonance with anyone else. So I just save it.
I guess I should tell you what I've been up to this sweet sweet summer time.
     I got my wisdom teeth out. My sweet friend Caitlyn took care of me while I was on drugs. I smeared my bloody spit all over her window, whilst high. Bless her.
    I built a patio. It was very warm outside. I dug the dirt and transported it, by wheelbarrow, to a low spot in the yard that always collected water before and now it doesn't and it is completely covered in beautiful grass now! BONUS! Then it got a little hotter. I shoveled load after load of gravel out of my dad's truck and laid it on the rectangle I dug out. Then, I repeated the process with sand. DID I MENTION IT WAS FRICKIN HOT? Then we decided on a beautiful, but most difficult pattern and started to lay bricks. Pick up a hot brick, chip the concrete off of it. Set the hot brick on the hot sand, pick up a hot mallet and pound that puppy in. Repeat for 300 square feet. I gotta admit, it was fun. Fun in a hard work, is this ever gonna end kinda way. I sweated through shirts. I came in with sand in my hair, on my face, in my shorts, everywhere. And like so many other things that require hard work, it was rewarding when it was done. But it was hot. I also "bro tanked" a few shirts. Girls, its as close to not wearing a shirt but still wearing a shirt as we are ever gonna get. I have now salvaged at least five t-shirts that I would have otherwise thrown away. Yay! Now I run in them. They give my rib cage a nice little breeze the faster I go.
Here's a picture from when I was pretty much done.

     I read some books. Nothing spectacular to speak of, but for some reason, much like how I was committed to blogging this summer, I swore I would finish the new Sarah Dessen book that came out this summer but I just haven't gotten around to it. Its really good. I just cannot sit still.

     I had my first gynocological experience, which did not scar me in the least. Which is good, because it means I can still possibly work in that field.

     I went to the lake and camped out for a day with friends from high school. It was nice, relaxing. It felt like a very summer thing to do. We made s'mores and chatted about the glory days.

     I have hung out with my BFF Dani a couple times, not nearly enough though. We've come a long way from walking our route to quiktrip every day in the summers but we still have fun no matter what we're doing. Whatever it is always involves caffeine of some sort and shopping. We're both clothing addicts!

    The next thing(s) I did involves some background. When we moved into this house, it was junk. We gave it new life. And I would consider it finished now. Mostly. Things like the patio, got left out for a later time though.  My sweet parents put so much time and money and effort into making this home beautiful. So it was kind of an unspoken thing that I wanted to do this summer, was tie up the loose ends. There was some grout in the kitchen that hadn't been scrubbed off. Some places needed touch up paint. The laundry room and my room needed base board and caulk. The spare bedroom/craft room became a place to put things that we didn't know what to do with. As did the garage. So I organized the garage and the back bedroom, put in base boards, painted trim, scrubbed things (all with help). I wanted to do these things 1)because they drive me crazy, 2)because I wanted to earn my keep around here, 3)because I know that they wanted these things done as much as I did but its just tedious to do things like that after a full workday. I'm pretty proud of what I have done. I still have a couple things to finish up before we can safely say that the house no longer needs any actual work other than just upkeep and maintenance, but it is very very close.

     I have been crafting! Back in April I made this apron hook out of a hanger and an old book for my little mama. At first it reinspired the scrapbooker in me, but I have since decided that that is much too expensive for a college student. I now take crap I find around the house and make stuff! ITS WONDERFUL!

Here's the hook almost done haha. I just had to glue the flower onto the hook you see on the left side. Maybe I'll actually take a picture of my finished products someday.

     Then I made these pom poms flowers for a little decoration in my dorm next year. Can you guess our colors? They wouldn't freaking rotate because I had to upload it straight from my SD card.

     Then, today (my mom and) I made a tote bag out of one of my dad's old dress shirts! It was super easy. Easy enough that we even added pockets and buttons and braided the handles. You will be able to see me sporting this bag starting this fall at OBU! Get excited! 

      I love it! We also made a cover for the cushion of the little laying bench I am making with my dad so we can have a place to sit! Aren't we a handy little bunch of Hills?!

     I have been experimenting with natural beauty products this summer. I didn't wash my hair for three weeks! And I was also running (meaning sweating) EVERYDAY. I just used baking soda and apple cider vinegar once a week. And I never used any kind of hair product. I found my hair to look absolutely wonderful- it was thick and pouffed just right, and didn't look greasy at all but it did FEEL rather greasy. My reasoning: Shampoos strip the dirt off, yes but they also take the sebum off your hair, which contains the nutrients your body makes to help it stay healthy. I stopped because I just wasn't used to feeling the oil and I wanted to see which I liked better. I think I'll keep doing a mixture of actual shampoo and not washing for a while. I made my own deodorant and toothpaste too and it is exponentially cheaper but it has no scent or flavor. (Which is why I still have a store bought kind of each.) I have also found that my face is well on its way to sun damage. I started putting vaseline on at night and sleeping in it. If you can stand the greasiness, you should try it. My skin is so soft in the morning and no pimples! My face tends to be dry though. Use caution if you're oily!

     I watched my nieces for a week. THEY EAT SO MUCH FOOD. Looking back already, I can say that it was a fun week so it wasn't too emotionally scarring. I'm just glad I don't have to do it. I'm glad that I am their aunt. I love them like nobody's business, we can hang out and have fun like friends would,  and at the end of the day they can always make me laugh.

     I have my very own ATTORNEY. Its not under the most ideal of circumstances of course, but I still have to admit it was a pretty cool experience.

     I went to the podiatrist. Apparently, I'm biomechanically retarded and my first metatarsal is cattywompus, causing my toe pain. And I have bunions. So I get screws and plates put in and a full bunionectomy. Hopefully soon!

     Before that happened, I committed to running a HALF MARATHON with my best pal Caitlyn. We were gonna shoot for November but thats all dependent on surgery now so we don't know when yet, BUT IT IS HAPPENING!

     I got a dog! And he has turned out to be a pretty good one. He potty trained quickly and aside from some licking and nibbling that still needs correction, he is exactly the lazy companion I wanted. 

He doesn't really look this sad all the time.

     I ran another 5k. It was far from my best but it was also far from an ideal day for me to be racing. My stomach just wasn't having any of that halluhbaloo.

     Zach and I, and all of our parents took a trip out to Porter for an evening and HAD A BLAST. I ate a corn dog and a funnel cake and it was exactly what I wanted. We walked around until we saw everything and then we found the most wonderful sort of trashy redneck thing I have ever experienced. ---MUDBOGGING!!! Seriously its a mudpit and they time these monster trucks going through it. Mud flings everywhere. And if I had been born into a trashier, drunker, farming family a little more down south, it might just have been my most favorite thing ever. 

     I shadowed my pediatrician. I watched baby after baby get shot after shot. I ran a CBC on a teenager with headaches. I looked at a sinus xray. I love the medical field. Probably not pediatrics though. 

     I was worried that summer would lack purpose for me, with no real job, no earning of a degree in the works. I like sleeping in and having nothing to do, but after a day of doing nothing, I don't like it. I regret doing nothing. Its a waste. So, while it hasn't been the most glamorous of summers, and I have spent a lot of time at home, I feel good about it. I've been doing things. I haven't been slothy and sluggish. I've been living the dream, and I am very very happy at things right now.

     Phew. I am sorry that was so long. I am seriously impressed if you made it to the end. I promise I WILL WRITE MORE OFTEN. I already have another idea. :) 

"The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn His face toward you and give you peace."

     

Just Read it Anyway

So no matter what you been through
no matter what you into
no matter what you see when you look outside your window
brown grass or green grass
picket fence or barbed wire
Never ever put them down
you just lift your arms higher
raise em till’ your arms tired
Let em’ know you’re there
That you struggling and survivin’ that you gonna persevere
Yeah, ain’t no body leavin, no body goin’ home
even if they turn the lights out the show is goin’ on

So I went on a run. I know I've talked about it before, but blah blah blah. (insert some cliche about doing my best thinking while running.)
Every run has something to overcome but my entire running story, even my story of the past couple years is a story of victory. Its a story of blessings, overcoming obstacles, changing, and deciding, loving, and believing.


First let me talk about this particular run's obstacles. 
1) I ate a good amount of pretzel m&ms, (which are so so good) before my run and I fought several regurgitations of it along the way.
2) The run was after midnight.
This has several problems in itself. 

• I took my phone, per my mom's request, which is a hassle.
• I also had to promise to stay close. This is a problem because I was planning on five miles, which on foot, how close can that be if an emergency was to arrive? But I did stay in the neighborhood sort of.
• Also, after midnight, every tree becomes a person and every person out after midnight, naturally, is a rapist ready for a taste of my salty skin. Every car driving past has a gun, ready for a drive-by. And every light is a search party out to find me for stealing Gregory Lazarowitz's highlighter in the second grade. It makes the run interesting I guess, feeling like an outlaw/victim. I like to think on these runs that I could hold my own should someone attack, but you never know

3) I hit road construction outside of my neighborhood where the only places to not run in the middle of the street were deep dark grass (presumably full of snakes), and deep dark tractor ruts just ready to twist my ankles. I did sort of feel cool running on this not quite road. The term trail blazer came to mind. I could very possibly be the first person to run on this new surface, paving the way for others to come.

Anyway, most of these obstacles were easy to overcome and I cracked myself up a couple of times with my thoughts of poisonous snakes, and debating whether or not pretzel m&m puke would be good enough to eat again the second time. (I'm probably a lot funnier to myself than I am to you people.)

Then I see my running shadow up against a privacy fence. 

She has my profile, my ponytail, my nose, the outline of my flappy shorts, but none of my weaknesses. I can't see her scars, her shortcomings, I can't see any proof on her of the days she didn't run. She just runs. That's all I see of her. 

The shadow reminds me how well I've gotten to know my body. I know its limits, and I can push beyond them. She keeps going. Because I make her. 

From this, I've learned I have the same control over my mind. I won't let my mind decide where my limits are. I am not afraid to approach tasks that make me uncomfortable or anxious, stressed out or panic-y because I get to decide if it has that effect on me, and what I do with those feelings.

As a future medical professional, I'd like to tell you to run. Run without an ipod. Just go run however far you can. If you know what you're doing, you can find exactly what your body wants on a run. Did you know that running increases your cell turnover rates almost everywhere in your body? For second hand smoke recipients, this means that your lungs can clean themselves of toxins virtually overnight. This also means healthier skin, hair, and nails. If you find that you have salty crystals on your skin after the sweat dries, YOU NEED MORE WATER. If you crave chocolate, you can eat chocolate for some instant gratification but what your body really wants is protein and iron. 

Look at the facts. Two and a half years ago I was a sickly 16 year old. I wasn't overweight but I felt blah. I didn't eat right. Then I ran. I ran through heartaches and joys. I ran with a team and now I run alone or with Zach mostly. I HAVE to eat better now, (my running stomach won't allow grease.) I lift weights. I can do a chin up. I can leg press 400+ lbs. My legs are sinew. I'm in the best shape of my life and I feel GOOD. 

Finally.

the doctor's doctor

It's summer. Which doesn't really mean anything for those of us who work year round at growing, learning, and working on things that are important to us. In some ways, I feel very exhausted about this summer, but its a good exhausted. The kind where I'll never be able to be bored. I'll have running, projects to work on, money to be made, people to see, and all of that means new experiences to have. Nothing super eventful or life changing has happened. So far but I do have one story to tell.

Things I've Been Loving On

with Zach

also with Zach

Ok here's the story.

 Today I broke ground on a project in the backyard. I'm doing my parent's patio. I'll let you know how it goes. Tonight I just took out some concrete chunks, and started to take some more dirt out. I'll have to pile in some gravel and then start bricking or putting in paving stones. This actually isn't really a story, I just wanted to let ya'll know how things work around here. 

Think of the greatest living expert of any subject. Say, like a world renowned surgeon. Now, who does that surgeon go to when HE himself needs surgery? I, personally, want the surgeon's surgeon to operate on me.

Now, when you common folk need your walls replaced, tiles laid, or say like a patio done, you call people like my dad. A contractor with a good reputation. But, what you should be asking is, "WHO IS THE CONTRACTOR'S CONTRACTOR?"

The answer is me. I am the person that the contractor goes to when he needs the job done right. Unfortunately you people cannot afford me and I wouldn't do it anyway. The end.

the mermaid on my wall and other reasons I love to live

As many of you know, I hate to throw up.
vomit, puke, blow chunks, disorgement, barf, regurgitate, the dirty dog
Call it what you may, I despise the feeling.
Many people say they feel so relieved after throwing up that they just let it come, and don't really mind.
I am not so easily quelled. I do feel better sometimes when its over, but its not enough relief for me to forget the memory of throwing up, plus the anticipation of throwing up is often just as bad to me as puking itself.
Its just like "Oh, I'm going to wallow here right next to the toilet, anticipating my DEATH." Its awful.
But.
This post is not really about puke, believe it or not.
There's this feeling I get deep down, and its straight from Satan himself. I know it is.
I think about all the things I have to do, to get where I'm going.
"Do I really have to take Physics? CAN I even pass Physics? What if I fail?"
Even with running, something I love to do, I find myself saying,
"Can I really run EVERYDAY for the rest of my life, like I have been?"
It seems so exhausting. Its too much.
I panic. I can't do it. I can't do any of these things.
I can sit in my room, doing calculus, watch my hands start to shake, and get sweaty all over just sitting there.
I can act like the cosmic purpose of my being enrolled in calculus was to teach me that I can't do any of these things.
And then I could cry. Like I used to.
OR.
I can look at the mermaid on my wall. A piece of construction paper with a mermaid drawn in marker by my niece Macey. Its beautiful. What you don't see is on the back. Macey asked me to draw a mermaid. I can NOT draw at all but I attempted to draw Ariel. Its alright. I gave it to her and she flipped it over and started to replicate it all by herself. What resulted is the most alien looking, distorted mermaid with spiky red hair that you have ever seen. But I love it.
Because, when you look at her five years of life, how a second ago I had to stick my finger in her mouth to keep her from swallowing carpet fuzz. It would've been hard for me to think of the day when I could put a marker in that little tard's hand and watch her create something all her own.
I'm reminded that the anticipation is the worst part. It seems impossible. But you wake up everyday and think "This is never going to work." But then in a little bit of time, you start doing the impossible.
How I was dreading this semester because of calculus. But then I wake up and I'm four weeks away from it being over and I have an A in the class.
You just do it somehow.

Bloggability

Some slight alterations in my life have been cause for much concern.
They changed the shower curtains to clear.
The weather is cold.
My water bottle smells weird.
All of the deluxe mixed nuts are gone.
My stomach issues have come back, causing me to not have run very much lately.

All of this brings me into this next issue, which is blogging.
I'm not very good at it. I look at other blogs, and my blog sucks.
Its just become something I am not good at, so I usually avoid it.
Other people write about things that matter.
They do fun things, like go out and live on their own, or raise families.
I sit in a dorm and do homework and laugh at things that really no one else would understand.
I have fun, don't get me wrong.
I just feel like I'm not really at a very bloggable point in my life. Nothing's happening that would make a difference to anyone else's day.
I don't have any advice or words of wisdom to offer anyone. I didn't think of some new revelation today that I just HAD to share with the world.
I just live a life that's exciting and fun and completely insignificant, and I'm fine with that for now, because at my worst day, I still feel like I'm moving forward. I guess that's the beauty of being stuck in a place that was created for training you for your future (college).
And I guess its good enough.
For now.

Failing

Failing is liberating. Sometimes.
Failing can teach you something. Sometimes.
Sometimes.
But sometimes,
Failing
Is
Just
Failing.
Like my calculus test.
I flunked it.
I failed.
I studied and did the work and everything that was required of me.
And then I failed.
But.
Sometimes.
Failing is enough to put a smile on your face when your failure is above the class average.
:)

a little bit of math

There's math. And I hope I'm not speaking too soon about this. I have a test on Thursday, so we'll see.

Math is liberating in the most frustrating way. 

You have a problem.

And a set of rules to solve that problem.

My foundation in algebra is not that great thanks to public education, but I'm getting better while learning all these calculus functions.

By the time I finish an assignment, I have found comfort and accomplishment comfort in solving clean, perfect problems within a set list of constraints.

I find myself wishing other problems were so easy.