And I do.
I've got mountains to climb.
And I don't want you to do it for me.
Because someday we'll need to climb mountains together.
And I'll need to do my part.
To pull my weight.
I lose them a lot.
My marbles, I mean.
But when I gather them up again.
I throw some out.
I add some more.
But they always look different.
So, you see,
I know that's gotta be confusing.
And it looks like a mess.
But I don't like staying the same.
Because that means that my problems will always be my problems.
But then, one day.
I look at my marbles.
And I see that I threw out some of my best marbles.
And traded them for some marbles that don't belong
With me.
And you.
That's as far as I can go with that metaphor.
Now, a running story.
Yesterday I went running. And then I stopped running. I looked down at my watch. 2:48. Two minutes and forty-eight seconds. And my legs were lead. Whatintheheck.
Uh oh Andi. Crunch time.
Thoughts going through my head.
"I'm going to write a blog about this."
"I hate my life."
"Why does everything fall apart at the same time?"
"I probably should have eaten something before I tried this."
Then, one that's relevant and useful comes down the line:
"Am I going to push through or just walk back to the house like the joke I am?"
Yes, this semester has been hard. Yeah, I need better than straight B's. Also, true enough that surgery recovery hasn't been good to me. But I've also flopped in the mental strength department. I've let it get the best of me. I haven't taken the long way. I've been expecting things to come to me. Acting like I didn't expect to have to work for what I want. Acting like I could have a more perfect support system than the one I already have.
My life is not that hard. And I absolutely love finding my limits in running and shattering them. Why can't I just do that in everything? I'll find myself stronger in the end. More trustworthy, more loyal, and more disciplined, and more prepared for the next thing after that.
I should have stuck with it. Everytime. Those are my biggest regrets. The ones where I checked out early. The ones where I stopped short of learning anything more than, "Well, I hate working at Lowe's." or my personal favorite, "I hate high school, so I'll do as little as possible until I graduate" Or the worst one; giving up on you.
So I ended up running okay that day, with a lot of coaxing out of my legs, but that's not even half of my battle conquered. You see, I ran tonight. One of those runs where you would say to me "You're going pretty good right now." And the kind of run where I say things like "I don't know where that came from." It was after a day of looking up future schools, prerequisites, and degree plans. And so being calm in a pretty good paced run is unusual enough in itself, but the fact that I was at peace about the thoughts of the day stewing around was a really good sign. I know I'll be okay. And you will be okay. I know you and others have doubted me before. But I don't plan on ever staying down for long. I've never regretted hitting a point where I chose to push my limits and do the harder thing. So that's what I'll do.
Regardless of fill-in-the-blank .
I'm too far gone. Been "running" for too long to stop now. Even if it takes all night to get back to where I need to be. Even if I'm chasing pavements, chasing the wind. I won't let go. I'll fight. I'll sprout wings if I have to. I'll get there, wherever that is.
I'm a fighter.
And I've still gotta shot in the dark.
