Knowledge

Some days I just want this. No more school. Just this. I could stop and I could do this and I swear I would love it. I could do this and it would be all I ever wanted and more. It is a noble journey, an extremely difficult one, and probably one of the best things that life has to offer.

But then I get all sweaty and feel suffocated. Because I start to think... What will it all mean? My hours of labor, my time spent in class when I would rather be baking cupcakes and having babies. My tears, frustrations, grades. It will be pointless. No. Not for the reason you think. Not because of all the hard work going to waste being a homemaker, because really, I do not believe that studying day in and day out over qualifies me to raise a family. Moms are intelligent, should be hard workers, are qualified to get an education. No. It will go to waste because of what I did with my knowledge. After struggling with these things, after learning so much, after finding out that nothing was what I had thought, after being convicted repeatedly to chase after changing this damned place, it would be an utter, complete, wretched way to waste everything I have learned and all the illness, pain, and poverty there is, to not continue down this path. A path that I believe to be more difficult and less desireable. It's not about how much I know or the power of my mind or any selfish, shallow thing like that. It's about what I do with what I know. They say ignorance is bliss. Well, ignorance is ignorance. But knowledge... Knowledge is whatever you choose to do with it.
So, with my knowledge, I choose to do both.

Hopefully,
Andi

To My Girls

There are five of you. Beautiful little bodies that I can still wrap up in my arms. 50 toes. 5 adorably large belly buttons. Wispy little girl hairs on each of your heads. Every hope in the world I see in those 10 perfect blue eyes.
I want you guys to know some things. I want you guys to be different than me. I want to have ongoing conversations with you guys as you grow up, no matter where we may be. I want everything for you and more. I want you to be like Christ. I want you to have and do and see everything you could ever want.
I hope you find your hope in the Lord. I hope you listen to your mom and dad. I hope you keep things in perspective better than I did. When you're a teenager, its all just terrible and difficult and confusing. And then you grow up and find that everything is still just as hard and complex, so all you can do is laugh at it.
I hope you call me when you're mom is being stupid and unfair. I'll tell you that it probably feels that way and your feelings are real and they hurt you and its unfair but that your mom is the best mommy for you and the best sister for me and it will all work out. I hope you roll your eyes at me, so that someday you can figure it all out for yourself and see how much sweeter it is that way.
I hope you make good friends and good choices. I hope we share things in common so we can do our special things together, just me and you. I hope you know how much you're loved. I pray you find the value in people. I hope each of you find where you belong and your spot in the world. I want to watch you shine in it. I hope to be a good example and help you out anytime you need it.
I want you to find wonder in the world. It's not all bad, and I promise I'm trying to make it better for you. I hope you never stop learning and growing and exploring. People are so fascinating. Treat them with respect. You can learn from books and experience and people and music and movies.
Life will always be hard. Its hard for everyone. Try to remember everyone is having a hard time with it and that no one gets out alive. Have fun and work hard.
Be brave, fall in love, help someone out, sing, dance, play, be extraordinary, save a life, create something, be awesome, but don't you ever grow up.


Here are my songs for you: