Knowledge

Some days I just want this. No more school. Just this. I could stop and I could do this and I swear I would love it. I could do this and it would be all I ever wanted and more. It is a noble journey, an extremely difficult one, and probably one of the best things that life has to offer.

But then I get all sweaty and feel suffocated. Because I start to think... What will it all mean? My hours of labor, my time spent in class when I would rather be baking cupcakes and having babies. My tears, frustrations, grades. It will be pointless. No. Not for the reason you think. Not because of all the hard work going to waste being a homemaker, because really, I do not believe that studying day in and day out over qualifies me to raise a family. Moms are intelligent, should be hard workers, are qualified to get an education. No. It will go to waste because of what I did with my knowledge. After struggling with these things, after learning so much, after finding out that nothing was what I had thought, after being convicted repeatedly to chase after changing this damned place, it would be an utter, complete, wretched way to waste everything I have learned and all the illness, pain, and poverty there is, to not continue down this path. A path that I believe to be more difficult and less desireable. It's not about how much I know or the power of my mind or any selfish, shallow thing like that. It's about what I do with what I know. They say ignorance is bliss. Well, ignorance is ignorance. But knowledge... Knowledge is whatever you choose to do with it.
So, with my knowledge, I choose to do both.

Hopefully,
Andi

To My Girls

There are five of you. Beautiful little bodies that I can still wrap up in my arms. 50 toes. 5 adorably large belly buttons. Wispy little girl hairs on each of your heads. Every hope in the world I see in those 10 perfect blue eyes.
I want you guys to know some things. I want you guys to be different than me. I want to have ongoing conversations with you guys as you grow up, no matter where we may be. I want everything for you and more. I want you to be like Christ. I want you to have and do and see everything you could ever want.
I hope you find your hope in the Lord. I hope you listen to your mom and dad. I hope you keep things in perspective better than I did. When you're a teenager, its all just terrible and difficult and confusing. And then you grow up and find that everything is still just as hard and complex, so all you can do is laugh at it.
I hope you call me when you're mom is being stupid and unfair. I'll tell you that it probably feels that way and your feelings are real and they hurt you and its unfair but that your mom is the best mommy for you and the best sister for me and it will all work out. I hope you roll your eyes at me, so that someday you can figure it all out for yourself and see how much sweeter it is that way.
I hope you make good friends and good choices. I hope we share things in common so we can do our special things together, just me and you. I hope you know how much you're loved. I pray you find the value in people. I hope each of you find where you belong and your spot in the world. I want to watch you shine in it. I hope to be a good example and help you out anytime you need it.
I want you to find wonder in the world. It's not all bad, and I promise I'm trying to make it better for you. I hope you never stop learning and growing and exploring. People are so fascinating. Treat them with respect. You can learn from books and experience and people and music and movies.
Life will always be hard. Its hard for everyone. Try to remember everyone is having a hard time with it and that no one gets out alive. Have fun and work hard.
Be brave, fall in love, help someone out, sing, dance, play, be extraordinary, save a life, create something, be awesome, but don't you ever grow up.


Here are my songs for you:

growing up won't bring us down

The other day, I was sent into a gas station to get some snacks. Stevie came in while I was checking out and told me to get more snacks. Since I only had a 5 dollar bill I told her grandpa needed to give us some more money to get the rest. She came back in with a 10, got the chips everyone wanted and then went up to the checkout. I waited behind her with the things I had already bought, but let her give the man her money herself. He said it was $2.75 or whatever and she handed him the $10 and grabbed her bags of chips and turned to me and smiled, expecting us to walk out together. I told her she needed to get her change before she left and the cashier thankfully said something similar about the same time. Its not really a significant story, not particularly tragic or even eventful, and Stevie might not even remember it a few years from now. I remember being taught that you need to think about how much money you pay for things and make sure the cashier isn't trying to rip you off since you're a kid and you don't know any better. 

Its just that I was particularly mindful that I was the adult in this scenario telling Stevie to try to add in her head and note how much money she had.

I was the adult.

I am the adult.

I'm the adult? 

Wait, what?! 

But, that can't be right... I'm the kid that has to make sure I'm not getting ripped off by the big cashier man.

I guess I'm not. Anymore.

Its weird, I know, but all this time, when I go into the door of the restaurant first, I always feel like I have done something out of the ordinary when I say "Four" when they ask how many at your table. Like a little girl that gets to tell the hostess because she asked her mom before she went in if she could be the big girl and tell them how many at the table that night. 

I still feel like the kid pretending and practicing to give the guy the money like Stevie did.

I suppose that its a good thing, what with still feeling like this and all, that I was able to easily transform into a grownup in that moment and nudge Stevie to get her change instead of both of us just linking arms, skipping out the door and slurping our slushies out the door while the guy kept our $7.25. 

But, honestly when it comes to some adult things, I'd rather stick to the slushie side of things, pick up toads and stick a ring pop in my hair instead of doing those crazy things adults do like go to bed voluntarily at 9:30, and whine at kids about leaving the door open while the air conditioner's on. 

You can't get the best of both worlds they say.

I guess I'll try my darndest.

this one's for us

I keep telling you I gotta get it together.

And I do.

I've got mountains to climb. 

And I don't want you to do it for me.

Because someday we'll need to climb mountains together.

And I'll need to do my part.

To pull my weight.

I lose them a lot.

My marbles, I mean.

But when I gather them up again.

I throw some out.

I add some more.

But they always look different.

So, you see,

I know that's gotta be confusing.

And it looks like a mess.

But I don't like staying the same.

Because that means that my problems will always be my problems.

But then, one day.

I look at my marbles.

And I see that I threw out some of my best marbles.

And traded them for some marbles that don't belong

With me.

And you. 

That's as far as I can go with that metaphor.

Now, a running story.

Yesterday I went running. And then I stopped running. I looked down at my watch. 2:48. Two minutes and forty-eight seconds. And my legs were lead. Whatintheheck. 

Uh oh Andi. Crunch time.

Thoughts going through my head.

"I'm going to write a blog about this."

"I hate my life."

"Why does everything fall apart at the same time?" 

"I probably should have eaten something before I tried this."

Then, one that's relevant and useful comes down the line:

"Am I going to push through or just walk back to the house like the joke I am?"

Yes, this semester has been hard. Yeah, I need better than straight B's. Also, true enough that surgery recovery hasn't been good to me. But I've also flopped in the mental strength department. I've let it get the best of me. I haven't taken the long way. I've been expecting things to come to me. Acting like I didn't expect to have to work for what I want. Acting like I could have a more perfect support system than the one I already have.

My life is not that hard. And I absolutely love finding my limits in running and shattering them. Why can't I just do that in everything? I'll find myself stronger in the end. More trustworthy, more loyal, and more disciplined, and more prepared for the next thing after that.

I should have stuck with it. Everytime. Those are my biggest regrets. The ones where I checked out early. The ones where I stopped short of learning anything more than, "Well, I hate working at Lowe's." or my personal favorite, "I hate high school, so I'll do as little as possible until I graduate" Or the worst one; giving up on you.

So I ended up running okay that day, with a lot of coaxing out of my legs, but that's not even half of my battle conquered. You see, I ran tonight. One of those runs where you would say to me "You're going pretty good right now." And the kind of run where I say things like "I don't know where that came from." It was after a day of looking up future schools, prerequisites, and degree plans. And so being calm in a pretty good paced run is unusual enough in itself, but the fact that I was at peace about the thoughts of the day stewing around was a really good sign. I know I'll be okay. And you will be okay. I know you and others have doubted me before. But I don't plan on ever staying down for long. I've never regretted hitting a point where I chose to push my limits and do the harder thing. So that's what I'll do.

Regardless of        fill-in-the-blank      .

I'm too far gone. Been "running" for too long to stop now. Even if it takes all night to get back to where I need to be. Even if I'm chasing pavements, chasing the wind. I won't let go. I'll fight. I'll sprout wings if I have to. I'll get there, wherever that is.

I'm a fighter.

And I've still gotta shot in the dark.

change

I have not done any homework of consequence- the kind where I actually am aware of what I am doing- since last Thursday.
I have a fire lit under me, a fire that tells me this will all be for nothing if I continue to sit here and wallow.
But here I sit.
Overwhelmed and full of sorrow.
Life keeps playing tricks. My emotions don't help. Priorities get skewed when my motivation lags. Motivation falls to the depths because my priorities are skewed.
Things that used to matter can't matter anymore because they're gone, altered, or unknown.
And all I can find is that I get lost in the mess of changes, decisions, days gone by, and a future that likes to remind me that all I know is that I don't know anything.
I feel alone, unhappy with my behavior for the duration of time that I've been in this pit, and yet all that I can find to cry about is that I do not know how to find the pH of .4 Molar HCO3.

Now its gonna get harder
and its gonna burn brighter
and its gonna feel tougher
each and every day.
So let me say that I love you,
you're all I've ever wanted,
all I've ever dreamed of to come.
And yes you did come.

Perspective problems

I do not know what I'm doing.
Life is very very tricky.
First, a story.
I was about 15, which for me was still in my terrible teenage attitude-y years. My parents and I were somewhere getting a pop at a convenience store. Two girls, that looked to be my age except for their slutty make up and clothes that made them look like old tranzie skanks, pulled up in a red mustang. They MIGHT have been old enough to drive, but they could have been just joy riding. My dad was inside, my mother and I were in the car. Some sort of exchange happened with a guy that came out of the convenience store, and then the girls suddenly had two monstrous cans of beer. My dad got in the car, called the local police department, and told them the make and model of the car and where it was headed, and that two young girls were drinking and driving, and then we went on our way. I got very upset as all this unfolded. Not that I was condoning what the girls were doing, just that it was startling to me at the time. Just because of how everything was a huge deal at that age. I had never dealt with those kinds of consequences, and I felt sorry for the girls that would soon have consequences that would feel monumental, possibly affecting the rest of their lives. I'll never forget what I said.
"Dad... you probably just ruined those girls' lives."
"Or saved them." He said.



This isn't a drinking and driving activism thing, its a perspective thing.


I see both sides. I see the "second chance" side because I feel for people that make mistakes and find themselves with consequences they weren't ready for. But I also see where a dumb decision on a silly night with your best friend can be very dangerous and reckless for a lot of other people. I still don't know what I would have done if I had been alone.
I don't know a lot of things lately.

I've been told its about the journey. The goals along the way are not destinations, but layovers.
But to live like that, for me, would mean that I need only to enjoy today. And if that were the case, I certainly would not include reading Western Civilizations in my day. But that is something I need to do. Obligations and all that.
But I'm getting very frustrated with college.
Its really a dumb idea when you think about it like I do.
Caitlyn told me to write this down.
She said its going to be in my book.
"College. Where else in the real, living, practical world will you find a close proximity population of primarily singles, writing with pen and paper (computers anyone?), living off of someone else's income, not contributing to society but merely leaching whatever information they can out of other people, and only needing to take care of each one's own needs?
WHERE ELSE WOULD THAT EVER HAPPEN IN THE REAL WORLD?
It doesn't. I hate waking up, thinking about what I'm going to eat, what time I need to get to class, how much I need to study, when do I get to take a nap. Its pointless and its not good for me.

But mostly, I'm frustrated with myself.
Sometimes I think I would have behaved totally differently on a different day. Done better on a test had it been on Monday instead of Tuesday. Done the right thing instead of the wrong one if I had had my lucky panties on. I want desperately to take this on. I want to be a doctor. Its something I've never written down because its something I'm scared I'll never get or that I'll change my mind. I want to be the right person for someone to marry not just find the right person. I want fun, girl, friends that help each other and love each other. I want simple. I want cheesecake spilled all over my tshirt and jeans from wrestling on a picnic. But I want lipstick and combat boots and fancy nights out. I want to put unconditional love into practice. I want to put others before myself. I don't want to be bitter anymore. I want balance. I don't want to panic about tests. I want to trust God. I want to write and run and bake and dance. I want to pick something, anything, make some sort of decision and then beat the crap out of it until its lemonade. I believe I was made strong willed to be able to lead people, yet I have no followers. I believe I need to be a part of something bigger than myself, daily. But I spend my time wishing for these days of my life to be over. I wish I could start my life, instead of in college, a place designed to focus on ones' self. Stop.
Stop right there. This is where I struggle. My plans. All that I want. Trying to make it fit in a box that I can figure out, plan out, and carry out. But God whispers,

There are not words for what I have for you. You need only to trust Me. It will work out. I do not leave My children.

Its so very hard. I'm hurting. I don't know the answers. I know that I am thankful for today. I am thankful for the consequences I have avoided, and those that I now have to live with. I am thankful for my family and the friends that have stayed by my side. I am thankful for those that haven't, for they have helped me to improve, though I still have a long way to go. I'm thankful for the opportunities I have. But I'm done with this sickening worry. I'm done being so self absorbed that I don't even see the way I treat people.

Today I hurt. I never understand those people, that when something comes to an end, they say "I'd do it all over again."
Living without regrets seems sort of a bad way to go. Yeah, I'd do it all again, but I would do it so differently. It would look much better if I got to do it over again. So today I cry. I hurt for everything missing from my life because of this ending. But I'm okay with this for now because I know that someday I'll miss these days just like I miss high school now.