The Only Way to Go is Up

the only way to go is up

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

growing up won't bring us down

The other day, I was sent into a gas station to get some snacks. Stevie came in while I was checking out and told me to get more snacks. Since I only had a 5 dollar bill I told her grandpa needed to give us some more money to get the rest. She came back in with a 10, got the chips everyone wanted and then went up to the checkout. I waited behind her with the things I had already bought, but let her give the man her money herself. He said it was $2.75 or whatever and she handed him the $10 and grabbed her bags of chips and turned to me and smiled, expecting us to walk out together. I told her she needed to get her change before she left and the cashier thankfully said something similar about the same time. Its not really a significant story, not particularly tragic or even eventful, and Stevie might not even remember it a few years from now. I remember being taught that you need to think about how much money you pay for things and make sure the cashier isn't trying to rip you off since you're a kid and you don't know any better. 
Its just that I was particularly mindful that I was the adult in this scenario telling Stevie to try to add in her head and note how much money she had.
I was the adult.
I am the adult.
I'm the adult? 
Wait, what?! 
But, that can't be right... I'm the kid that has to make sure I'm not getting ripped off by the big cashier man.
I guess I'm not. Anymore.
Its weird, I know, but all this time, when I go into the door of the restaurant first, I always feel like I have done something out of the ordinary when I say "Four" when they ask how many at your table. Like a little girl that gets to tell the hostess because she asked her mom before she went in if she could be the big girl and tell them how many at the table that night. 
I still feel like the kid pretending and practicing to give the guy the money like Stevie did.
I suppose that its a good thing, what with still feeling like this and all, that I was able to easily transform into a grownup in that moment and nudge Stevie to get her change instead of both of us just linking arms, skipping out the door and slurping our slushies out the door while the guy kept our $7.25. 
But, honestly when it comes to some adult things, I'd rather stick to the slushie side of things, pick up toads and stick a ring pop in my hair instead of doing those crazy things adults do like go to bed voluntarily at 9:30, and whine at kids about leaving the door open while the air conditioner's on. 
You can't get the best of both worlds they say.
I guess I'll try my darndest.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

this one's for us

I keep telling you I gotta get it together.
And I do.
I've got mountains to climb. 
And I don't want you to do it for me.
Because someday we'll need to climb mountains together.
And I'll need to do my part.
To pull my weight.

I lose them a lot.
My marbles, I mean.
But when I gather them up again.
I throw some out.
I add some more.
But they always look different.
So, you see,
I know that's gotta be confusing.
And it looks like a mess.
But I don't like staying the same.
Because that means that my problems will always be my problems.

But then, one day.
I look at my marbles.
And I see that I threw out some of my best marbles.
And traded them for some marbles that don't belong
With me.
And you. 

That's as far as I can go with that metaphor.

Now, a running story.
Yesterday I went running. And then I stopped running. I looked down at my watch. 2:48. Two minutes and forty-eight seconds. And my legs were lead. Whatintheheck. 
Uh oh Andi. Crunch time.

Thoughts going through my head.
"I'm going to write a blog about this."
"I hate my life."
"Why does everything fall apart at the same time?" 
"I probably should have eaten something before I tried this."
Then, one that's relevant and useful comes down the line:
"Am I going to push through or just walk back to the house like the joke I am?"

Yes, this semester has been hard. Yeah, I need better than straight B's. Also, true enough that surgery recovery hasn't been good to me. But I've also flopped in the mental strength department. I've let it get the best of me. I haven't taken the long way. I've been expecting things to come to me. Acting like I didn't expect to have to work for what I want. Acting like I could have a more perfect support system than the one I already have.
My life is not that hard. And I absolutely love finding my limits in running and shattering them. Why can't I just do that in everything? I'll find myself stronger in the end. More trustworthy, more loyal, and more disciplined, and more prepared for the next thing after that.

I should have stuck with it. Everytime. Those are my biggest regrets. The ones where I checked out early. The ones where I stopped short of learning anything more than, "Well, I hate working at Lowe's." or my personal favorite, "I hate high school, so I'll do as little as possible until I graduate" Or the worst one; giving up on you.

So I ended up running okay that day, with a lot of coaxing out of my legs, but that's not even half of my battle conquered. You see, I ran tonight. One of those runs where you would say to me "You're going pretty good right now." And the kind of run where I say things like "I don't know where that came from." It was after a day of looking up future schools, prerequisites, and degree plans. And so being calm in a pretty good paced run is unusual enough in itself, but the fact that I was at peace about the thoughts of the day stewing around was a really good sign. I know I'll be okay. And you will be okay. I know you and others have doubted me before. But I don't plan on ever staying down for long. I've never regretted hitting a point where I chose to push my limits and do the harder thing. So that's what I'll do.
Regardless of        fill-in-the-blank      .

I'm too far gone. Been "running" for too long to stop now. Even if it takes all night to get back to where I need to be. Even if I'm chasing pavements, chasing the wind. I won't let go. I'll fight. I'll sprout wings if I have to. I'll get there, wherever that is.

I'm a fighter.
And I've still gotta shot in the dark.




Wednesday, March 7, 2012

change

I have not done any homework of consequence- the kind where I actually am aware of what I am doing- since last Thursday.
I have a fire lit under me, a fire that tells me this will all be for nothing if I continue to sit here and wallow.
But here I sit.
Overwhelmed and full of sorrow.
Life keeps playing tricks. My emotions don't help. Priorities get skewed when my motivation lags. Motivation falls to the depths because my priorities are skewed.
Things that used to matter can't matter anymore because they're gone, altered, or unknown.
And all I can find is that I get lost in the mess of changes, decisions, days gone by, and a future that likes to remind me that all I know is that I don't know anything.
I feel alone, unhappy with my behavior for the duration of time that I've been in this pit, and yet all that I can find to cry about is that I do not know how to find the pH of .4 Molar HCO3.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Now its gonna get harder
and its gonna burn brighter
and its gonna feel tougher
each and every day.
So let me say that I love you,
you're all I've ever wanted,
all I've ever dreamed of to come.
And yes you did come.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Perspective problems

I do not know what I'm doing.
Life is very very tricky.
First, a story.
I was about 15, which for me was still in my terrible teenage attitude-y years. My parents and I were somewhere getting a pop at a convenience store. Two girls, that looked to be my age except for their slutty make up and clothes that made them look like old tranzie skanks, pulled up in a red mustang. They MIGHT have been old enough to drive, but they could have been just joy riding. My dad was inside, my mother and I were in the car. Some sort of exchange happened with a guy that came out of the convenience store, and then the girls suddenly had two monstrous cans of beer. My dad got in the car, called the local police department, and told them the make and model of the car and where it was headed, and that two young girls were drinking and driving, and then we went on our way. I got very upset as all this unfolded. Not that I was condoning what the girls were doing, just that it was startling to me at the time. Just because of how everything was a huge deal at that age. I had never dealt with those kinds of consequences, and I felt sorry for the girls that would soon have consequences that would feel monumental, possibly affecting the rest of their lives. I'll never forget what I said.
"Dad... you probably just ruined those girls' lives."
"Or saved them." He said.



This isn't a drinking and driving activism thing, its a perspective thing.


I see both sides. I see the "second chance" side because I feel for people that make mistakes and find themselves with consequences they weren't ready for. But I also see where a dumb decision on a silly night with your best friend can be very dangerous and reckless for a lot of other people. I still don't know what I would have done if I had been alone.
I don't know a lot of things lately.

I've been told its about the journey. The goals along the way are not destinations, but layovers.
But to live like that, for me, would mean that I need only to enjoy today. And if that were the case, I certainly would not include reading Western Civilizations in my day. But that is something I need to do. Obligations and all that.
But I'm getting very frustrated with college.
Its really a dumb idea when you think about it like I do.
Caitlyn told me to write this down.
She said its going to be in my book.
"College. Where else in the real, living, practical world will you find a close proximity population of primarily singles, writing with pen and paper (computers anyone?), living off of someone else's income, not contributing to society but merely leaching whatever information they can out of other people, and only needing to take care of each one's own needs?
WHERE ELSE WOULD THAT EVER HAPPEN IN THE REAL WORLD?
It doesn't. I hate waking up, thinking about what I'm going to eat, what time I need to get to class, how much I need to study, when do I get to take a nap. Its pointless and its not good for me.

But mostly, I'm frustrated with myself.
Sometimes I think I would have behaved totally differently on a different day. Done better on a test had it been on Monday instead of Tuesday. Done the right thing instead of the wrong one if I had had my lucky panties on. I want desperately to take this on. I want to be a doctor. Its something I've never written down because its something I'm scared I'll never get or that I'll change my mind. I want to be the right person for someone to marry not just find the right person. I want fun, girl, friends that help each other and love each other. I want simple. I want cheesecake spilled all over my tshirt and jeans from wrestling on a picnic. But I want lipstick and combat boots and fancy nights out. I want to put unconditional love into practice. I want to put others before myself. I don't want to be bitter anymore. I want balance. I don't want to panic about tests. I want to trust God. I want to write and run and bake and dance. I want to pick something, anything, make some sort of decision and then beat the crap out of it until its lemonade. I believe I was made strong willed to be able to lead people, yet I have no followers. I believe I need to be a part of something bigger than myself, daily. But I spend my time wishing for these days of my life to be over. I wish I could start my life, instead of in college, a place designed to focus on ones' self. Stop.
Stop right there. This is where I struggle. My plans. All that I want. Trying to make it fit in a box that I can figure out, plan out, and carry out. But God whispers,

There are not words for what I have for you. You need only to trust Me. It will work out. I do not leave My children.

Its so very hard. I'm hurting. I don't know the answers. I know that I am thankful for today. I am thankful for the consequences I have avoided, and those that I now have to live with. I am thankful for my family and the friends that have stayed by my side. I am thankful for those that haven't, for they have helped me to improve, though I still have a long way to go. I'm thankful for the opportunities I have. But I'm done with this sickening worry. I'm done being so self absorbed that I don't even see the way I treat people.

Today I hurt. I never understand those people, that when something comes to an end, they say "I'd do it all over again."
Living without regrets seems sort of a bad way to go. Yeah, I'd do it all again, but I would do it so differently. It would look much better if I got to do it over again. So today I cry. I hurt for everything missing from my life because of this ending. But I'm okay with this for now because I know that someday I'll miss these days just like I miss high school now.

Friday, February 10, 2012

what i really think of stupid people

Would you like to discuss conception and prenatal development? Oh. So just me then? No one else wants to hear it? Oh well...
When I ponder the human body, there are two ways I approach it usually. I think a lot of people do this too.
1) If the human body is malfunctioning in some way, the approach is one of disapproval. For example, I know I've said this statement a few times, "Gah, why can't my stomach just work correctly?"or in the case of observing other people bodies malfunctioning I think, "Jeez what is wrong with their brain?"
2) If the human body pushes a limit, exceeds an expectation or overcomes an illness or disease, the response is like "Wow, aren't our bodies amazing?"
The thing is, both options are true. We are incredibly fragile but incredibly strong. People can run Ironmans and Ultramarathons but if a saline IV's Sodium Chloride concentration is a thousandth of a percent off from .9%, you've either got yourself someone with red blood cells shrunken so small they can't hold hemoglobin, thus oxygen, so you die, or you get someone whose red blood cells bloat up with water until they burst and then they die. Pretty weird right, that kind of contrast?
I read a lot of pregnancy books. I read "what to expect when you're expecting" when I was 13. Cover to cover. I read scholarly books and mainstream, "walmart" books alike on fertility, prenatal development, childbirth, the whole deal. I'm aware that it makes me a nerd Its very intriguing to me and I think I've figured out why.
I could write a very long paper on the absolute impossibility that can be seen if/when a healthy woman releases a healthy egg and that turns into a healthy human, because from the moment ovulation occurs, so many things can go wrong. An egg isn't even guaranteed to make it into the uterine tube! It can be released into the abdominal cavity, never to be seen again, or it could be fertilized out there and then we have a real problem. Regardless, I believe that the entire process is meant to be seen as amazing, and impossible from the very beginning, so as to raise attention to the miraculousness of the fact that this is how we get our humans, that they are perfectly and wonderfully made. I see the huge amount of things that had to go right for you to be standing in front of me, and through that I see God's hand, ever present, and I know that he thinks we are pretty cool too.
So when I call you an idiot, bear in mind the fact that I am still aware of the incredible, reverent, amazing, impossible thing that you are, know that your being, your body puts me in awe on a daily basis and that I know some of the sheer, perfect, pristine order and process that it took for you to become at least a living, (if not all the time) functional human being.
And this fact, the fact that I can see past your current state of being stupid, and still know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are amazing, is why I feel I'm called to deliver your babies.

"How it gives my heart blood"
Specks

Thursday, January 19, 2012

things I've learned

kids let me bestow some wisdom upon your inexperienced minds
1) Never stash your pants in a tree on a run that you don't want to carry it. From personal experience I know that all this brings you when you get your pants on the way back is a very real fear that possibly every small living creature in an 4.3 mile radius has decided to live in your pants while you were gone and will now attack you on your way back home.
2) Don't pay $5.00 a day for iced coffee at Starbucks. Listen closely. Brew any kind of coffee. Its actually better if its yesterday's coffee because then its already room temperature. Get a cup with ice. Pour your coffee in the cup about halfway up. Fill the rest with milk or half and half if you like to go big. Put in flavored creamer or flavored syrup if you wish. Add some sugar (Splenda dissolves best in cold drinks) And taa-daa! Delicious flavored iced coffee!
3) If you feel sorta blah, bloated, achey, or tired-drink more water. Your pee should be clear except for in the morning, when it should be light yellow and basically odorless.
4) Your grades do not define you. Your grade is not a letter value placed to judge your value as a person, and sometimes they aren't even an accurate representation of the effort you put forth in a classroom. The older I get, the more professors I have, the more I realize just how subjective grades are. Grades are just a letter put forth from a human to attempt to put an objective value on your understanding of that human's teaching of a subject.
5) Do not turn on the radio to a "hit" radio station. You'll have nothing but regrets. And besides, this is 2012, get an ipod plug in for your car.
6) Don't shower everyday, or at the least, don't wash your hair everyday. Or if thats still gross to you, just don't shower in hot water. Hot water ruins the protective cuticle around your hairs. Which opens it up to damage, and then you get split ends. Cooler water keeps the cuticle nice and sealed. Washing with the shampoos they make nowadays can also dry out your hair. Your skin will be softer from either not washing everyday and from using colder water as well. Both hot water and soap dry out your skin.
7) If you want chocolate chip cookies, do not make the nestle tollhouse bag recipe. Seriously, theres better chocolate chip cookies. Have you ever gone to a restaurant or bakery where they make really good chocolate chip cookies? Does it ever look like the cookies that that bag recipe makes? No. Not even at the Nestle Tollhouse restaurant!
8) Also, if you're on a diet.... Great! Wonderful! I'm proud of you! I have a couple of DOs and DON'Ts for ya though.
DON'T use facebook as a public record of your diet. Nobody wants to know that you wish you could have dessert. You wouldn't be on a diet if you didn't want something else MORE than the dessert (to lose weight). So don't discourage yourself like that.
DON'T obsess over what you eat. Its sort of a miserable eating situation for everyone around you if you babble on and on about everything you eat. And even if you don't voice it, still I say don't obsess over it. If you mess up move on.
DO exercise. No, your diet will not make you lose a bunch of weight that you will keep off if you do not exercise. Bottom line of losing weight, you need to burn more fuel than you are eating or eat less than what your basal metabolic rate is. But scratch the latter because that's not safe or sustainable.
Bottom line- eat healthier, real foods and work out. And, if you actually work out, you'll require more and more calories and then you can eat whatever you want. Ahhh, the life of a runner.
9) Please drive safely. Lately, I've been paying more attention to my driving. Thinking of other people's motive for doing what they do on the road, good or bad- rather than just my own motives. I realized how selfish most driver are because they feel like they are alone, when in actuality they are interavting with other people in a very important way. Lives are at stake. Why is that lady laying on her horn and being so mean? Maybe she has a child in the car. Maybe she's going to lose a really important client if she's late. So why not let her go first? No rush, no grudge against another driver, no important event, no red light is worth the risk that YOU driving like a maniac brings. So, I don't care what douche bag cut you off, how bad you have to pee, how long your trip home feels. It's not worth your or anyone else's lives. Don't make risky moves driving. YOU be the responsible, safe one. I promise to do this too.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

time

There's this funny thing called time, and I have to figure it out.
Because I run a workout and the last mile feels like its never going to end, but
it was 8 minutes.
Because I blink and I am 20 years old, working on a career plan-on my own life-when yesterday I was an eighth grader madly in love with these two new little nieces, and now
it's been 6 years.
Because I sit there counting seconds, doing homework for what feels like forever, and
it's been 30 minutes.
Because I spend the nights planning what I'll do in college and now,
it's been a year and a half.
It's because of all this, that I wonder about this tricky little thing called time. I wonder what time will do to my face as I grow old. I wonder what time will do to yogurt thats 5 years old.  I wonder where time will take me after a while. I wonder why I feel the way I do sometimes.

I had my two youngest nieces with me this past week and I thought a lot about time. But it wasn't like I usually think about the time. When I usually think about time, I mostly plea for answers about where the time has gone, but this week, I thought about first times and last times.
You see, my nieces and I are sharing some firsts.
This is my first time to affect someone's life from the very beginning. And I am their first and only shot at a single, adult aunt, free from most real-life obligations. Some of their interactions with people, some of their choices, and some of my characteristics will be because of my behavior. I think its a really special privilege, and also a really huge one. My persona of "Aunt Andi" is one of the things I am most proud of. I like seeing the part of myself that I know doesn't love them for what they've done, or who they are, but loves them simply because they are. But I need to take a closer look at how they see me. As they get older they'll see new things about me, and understand more. I hope I stand up to the scrutiny they begin to develop. I want to be someone that they gain only positive things from, even if its only that they learn to NOT do what Aunt Andi did. :) It will only be a finite amount of time that I will be family-free, career-free, and completely wrapped up in them. I pray I cherish every minute of it.
This week was also my first time to be instructed on how to change a diaper by a two year old.
Before I put Julie's new diaper on, she demanded that I say "Ew shoooo-ieeee" and plug my nose and air dry her bottom with the new diaper. I obliged with a laugh.
This was poor Katie's time to throw up with just me to take care of her. I withstood the challenge and only gagged once, but more than once, sad, sick little Katie had to throw up holding a baggie while I was carrying her to a convenience store restroom, with a toddler in tow. Sigh. That trip also felt like it was much longer that it was.
I'll spend the rest of my life figuring out this time stuff.

In other news, this happened! I'm so glad its an Olympic year and I'm so glad Kara gets to go!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

get used to it

It wasn't easy. And it took a while to get to this point. But I did and I am here. Shamefully posting on here after a dreadful lack of commitment to this blog that a very small number is likely to care about.
But, the semester wasn't easy either. I was driving back to school late one night by myself, and I had the absolutely treasonous thought of "I would rather be a B student that gets to go home and spend time with family and go to concerts and have fun, than be an A student that doesn't." Ideally I would be able to have both but how often do you get to have it all? Not very often. But looking back, I can honestly say that I'm glad I can pull B's and do most of what I want to do (I do have to restrain myself in favor of studying sometimes). If only my post grad school of choice will see things my way. I'm hoping that I am able to keep my sanity and make a more well rounded person of myself by having diverse interests and trying to have fun.
 I skipped a lot of journaling this semester. Something I've been doing since I was eight, consistently. I write my journals to the Father and this semester my prayers and thoughts went unwritten. Somewhere along the way, it lost priority and I wanted to go into my Cornerstone class, where we talk about being a Christian and a Scientist and scream, "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! I STUDY FOR ALL THIS CLASS CRAP AND NOW I DON'T HAVE TIME TO WRITE TO GOD!" But I knew the fault was my own, so I didn't. It just seemed like what was required to make a good grade in my classes was not conducive to me being a balanced, polite, patient, and well-rested individual.
Enough whining about this semester. Its over. As can be clearly seen from the lack of nursing majors complaining on my Facebook newsfeed. Peace. Sweet, sweet peace.
Now, the great big fat point I want to make...
I guess the point is more of something I want to reiterate to myself more than any of you but,

Get used to taking the long way. The hard way. The road less travelled.

Just get used to it. Don't spend so much time fretting over how awfully long and hard and treacherous your "way" (whatever it may be) is.  Because "easy"only comes to those with endurance and strength to take on a task. That's why its "easy" to them. Their strength and endurance came from taking the difficult road, probably repeatedly. Does that make sense?
I was being incredibly profound one night and thought of this because of what else? Running!
I was on a particularly crappy run where my foot was requiring too much limping for any kind of run to be successful. I sputtered on though. I started lengthening my stride which made the foot pain more intense initially, but it kept me from babying my gait. It eventually got to where it was tolerable and I kept on until I got back to the entrance to my neighborhood. There's two streets that lead to my house. Essentially its a longer way and a shorter way. Not like miles, probably less than two minutes difference running. I wanted to stop. To be instantaneously home. Really bad. My foot still hurt, and my lungs weren't used to the new speed my foot was allowing me.

But then I remembered my story. My story so completely full of mediocrity and failures. But really its my story of my Savior turning it all into a story of redemption and victory and grace. The story where I'm supposed to suck, for Him to be glorified. My story where I stink at defeating sin and give up and then stick my tongue out in defiance to anyone who thinks they're better than me. The story where I feel like I'm at the bottom, humbled and begging for help, but then I come to a choice. A choice I have in any sort of circumstance, where it hurts. It hurts so bad.
Its hard, so very very hard.
I don't want any more of any of it. I'm done with difficult.
And something in my heart asks, "Are you done here? Are you going to quit? Are you going to snap back at this person or are you going to show them love? Are you going to fight this even though its hard or are you done?"

Friends, too often. I tell the voice I'm done. Its. Too. Hard.
And I know its so entirely stupid because the battle has already been won and I am deemed victorious.

So why do I stop short? Why do I expect easy, when I want nothing more than to be strong and endure?
That's the entire point of running after all. I'm switching back and forth between running and life, I know, but bear with me. My running story is the same way, that's why I drew the parallel while I was running. Ask anyone if I'm actually a good runner and they'll probably laugh and ask what your definition of "good" is.

But I've had the health issues, the mental psyche issues, and now injury issues with running. In other words, I'm at the bottom. But, I can still tell you that when I'm on a run- hurting and wanting to die- that if I can push it aside and just keep going. Something happens. Where your mind and body get on the same page finally and they both start exuding victory. Your mind finally says, "Okay, the body's got this, so I can calm down the alarms that scream STOP YOU'RE HURTING ME!" And the body just pounds out this wave of power. Victory. No matter what. Even the bad runs.

When I remembered my story, I took the long way back. And then I looped around again and again. And I didn't die like I thought I would. I didn't feel my foot anymore until I finished. I took the long way, went inside caught my breath and then thought, "There now, that wasn't so bad, was it?"

Because, duh, nothing seems hard to do when you've already done it.

Boom. Roasted. There's my point again.  So just do it. And then the next thing isn't so hard anymore.
Jesus told us to take the long way. Go one step further. Actually He says that if someone forces you to go with them a mile, go with them two. And a mile is a lot longer than a step.
But He knows you can do it ;) Victory.

I didn't write down a resolution but I guess that would be it. I'm going to take the longer, harder way, in running and in my Christian walk through this life. To God be the glory.