love on the rocks

I set out for six miles tonight, pissed, and hurt, and sad.

I came back after seven and a half, victorious, and joyful. I'm still hurt, but that's okay. The pain is part of chasing pavements, which I always believe is a good idea, until its not anymore.

You know, "should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements"

You ALWAYS chase pavement.

SOOO many things are worth it.

Anyway, here's the chronology of my run, physically and emotionally. 

I go out quick because I'm mad, and crack a smile at my stupidity when I decide to slow it down. The first mile was pretty easy and quick and I did a lot of angry thinking and spitting. Just because its cool to gather spit in your mouth, eject it, and watch it disappear in one swift motion. Reminding me that this too shall pass.

My right hip popped every step for the last part of the first mile and I thought I was going to injure myself but I smiled again because I was NOT about to stop a run that I felt that good on. 

Anyway, my heart rate gets up, my legs are sore from yesterday's run, and I decide its time to shed my hoodie (while still running)- and my dignity. I threw my hoodie in the grass at the entrance to the turnpike trail, suddenly remembered some song lyrics that spoke to my exact heart situation and promptly started bawling. It was probably an interesting sight, sometimes I wish I had cameras around to catch these things.

And that's when this run became religious.

Somewhere between mile 1.5 and 2, I started laughing after the tears, and what followed can only be described as victory. I booked it down that hill. 

Give me pain, I'll take it for a run and come back with joy that I don't understand, coming from I don't know where.

Give me that kind of joy, I'll take that, run with it a while, and turn it into the kind of tears that let you know that pain is temporary, no matter how bad, how much it aches.

I felt healing. Physically too. After two miles, my feet hit a rhythm, a beat that went through my head and my heart beat and I realized that this beat was healing. After tonight's run, I consider my stomach sickness completely manageable and therefore irrelevant in my life.

After that, I can conquer anything. 

I hit my turnaround point, threw a fist up in the air, pointed to the sky, smiled, and carried on. 

Around mile four, the physical difficulty of a long run, went away. I stopped hacking and spitting because there's no more spit to gather. My legs stopped struggling to make it up a hill and my heart was all I could hear. Strong and steady. I've never admired my heart more than tonight. And since I have this tendency to cry at beautiful things, and strong emotions lately, I cried again.

To my heartbeat.

I. Have. Lost. It.

It was just that its there, making me alive, adapting me to whatever is going on in my life, making me stronger. Beating out the  pain, physical and emotional. 

And then you smile. And then you feel once again that the world, hurtful and just plain wrong sometimes, is wrapped around your finger. I can do anything.

Some of its timing, some of its luck. Call it destiny, call it not in the cards, call it God's will, it doesn't make a difference because its happening anyway. Regardless of what I have to say about it.

At six miles, I was pretty much back to my house, but I ran past it. I went through some roads back in my neighborhood, getting faster (the last mile and a half was faster than my third mile), thanking my Jesus for that kind of strength- the physical kind that wouldn't let me stop, and the emotional kind that reminds me as well that I should press on. I thanked him for healing my stomach. I thanked him for the heartbreak that led me back to the worship experience that I find in running. 

I sprinted back home. The human body knows few bounds, but I haven't a clue where that kick came from.

My feet eat pavement. They eat it and they spit it out behind me and turn this crazy mess into something I can handle. They stomp the soundtrack of my life out, telling me that there's pain and joy and healing and victory and heartache and its all jumbled into one and its messy. But.

But it will work out

Have faith

It

Will

Work

Out

My feet eat pavement.

What do yours do?

 

I might buy me a cabin, and take all that I need

"In the short years I've lived, I've learned a lot of things, but the one thing I know- it takes more than just me."

There's a lot of things going on right now that I don't understand. 

"Monkey in the middle" is the only way I would know how to describe it.

I'm being pulled a thousand different ways over a thousand different things, and though I exaggerate, it sometimes feels like that number is accurate.

I know who I want to be. Correction... I THINK I know who I want to be.

And while I don't know what I want to do, I have a lot of good ideas.

I want to study exercise science, hit up a midwifery school, and open a birthing center, with prenatal workout classes and relaxing birthing experiences. I love women's health!

I want to conquer the world (go to medical school), say I can do it, and actually do it and be an OB/GYN

I want to get into the music business, move to a big city and do all sorts of high rollin' city girl, legit music business type things. Put on a concert, plan a tour.

Sometimes, though, I just want to get married, live in a house, and spend my days cutting the crust off of peanut butter sandwiches and wiping snot. I don't know why that sounds so great, but it does.

There's this policy I have now. Its unspoken but I've been living by it pretty consistently recently.

Okay, say there's a fork in the road, a decision to make.

I, first of all, evaluate my choices. 

Then, I pick the risky one, something out of my comfort zone.

Next, I enjoy the journey of stretching and bending to make it work, learning new things along the way until it either turns out, or I go back to square one and try something else.

My logic on this comes from the fact that I'm a dreamer, so why not reach for the stars, while I'm still young and the world hasn't taken all my freedom and hope (if it ever does.)

But I stopped last night. For once I knew the right choice. I knew what I wanted. I might have even known how to acquire it, hook, line, and sinker. 

I gave up. 

That's the way it goes sometimes.

Maybe it will want me back someday.

But, like the song goes, 

"Not today, today, today. Tomorrow it may change."

Also tomorrow, I get to see this

 and this

 and this

 and this

this is NOT what I need to be doing right now

    

      Sometimes, life knocks the wind out of you. Maybe you forget that you could feel so much because certain emotions don't come along everyday. So when you feel it, it feels unfamiliar. You become aware of your soul again, what makes you tick. I got in my bed the other day, legs numb from the cold, and I was undoubtedly aware of an ache I had never felt before. Like there was wind whistling through me. It hurt. My skin was porous and my body was hollow. And it burned. But once you can feel pain, you know how to fix it.
     Sometimes, after the wind is knocked out of you, you move on. You keep breathing, no matter how hard. And the breath comes back. Even if you don't know how. Its involuntary, living is. Its your default. The wind becomes pleasant again. It awakens the scent of the trees, makes you feel like you're moving again and you wonder how the wind was ever painful to you. You find inspiration in a picture, words that touch you, a person that fixes you up, turns you around, and sends you on your way because they know its what's best for you. It's funny how quickly the heart switches from one emotion to the next, feeling joy sometimes so overwhelming that it can forget any hurt.
     Sometimes, when you least expect it to, life makes it up to you. Another sunrise comes, bringing a beautiful day. Inside jokes crack me up. My baby girls call me on the phone. And suddenly, I'm reminded that its about balance. And not necessarily that my life is balanced, but that I'm reminded that life goes on in all the best ways regardless of what conflict is in my head. And heart for that matter. You move on. Regardless of what it was, why it ever happened, what actually happened, what would've happened, where it was going. None of it matters.
      Sometimes, though, you feel it again. A moment that catches you off guard. A song. Picture. A thought. Just a memory. The hole burns again, raw, from the wind whistling through it again. It fades quickly but, even if you're able to smile at what once was, it feels like its your reality again. Its mysterious, but its all there to remind me that I'm alive. Alive. Living. Feeling joy and pain. Enjoying an uninhibited array of raw emotions that are only human and therefore in themselves beautiful and God given.
So thanks. For reading, for feeling, for being there.

the right thing

doesn't feel quite so right anymore
when you consider how hard it is
to actually do the exact opposite
of what it is that you want to do.

                                                  And this my friends, is what that feels like.
                                                                          Sometimes.

the cave

Caitlyn was here.
But not anymore.

I've been thinking a lot recently.
Thinking.
Running.
Running and thinking.
And music.

I'll let you know what I come up with.

something

I was just thinking about this semester, what's happened and what hasn't happened.
About 15 weeks ago, we were given these step logs for wellness. One to turn in for each week. I remember looking at that stack of papers and turning in the first one, thinking, "only 14 more to go" and thinking it would be forever before I turned the last one in.

I turned the last one in today.

I feel like I've been everywhere, and nowhere all at once.
     I've been to Dallas twice, St. Louis, Spearman, all down I40 and back going home and coming back                  here. And at the same time I feel stuck like a pin, with little to show for what I've done.
I've conquered the world and I've done absolutely nothing.
     I've officially kicked my anxious, stressful ways and moved on to enjoying life instead of fearing what might be, but I can think of no one that I've helped or impacted in a big way this semester.
So many things conflict all at once that I feel balanced, and yet completely out of whack.
The first semester of college, done, almost. And I did my best for the most part.
I only have to do that 7 more times, and just like the step logs, I'll put my last semester in before I know it and wonder what I did that mattered that entire time.

Things came together for me this year, in a lot of big ways.
     I found a place where I can be social and love the people I'm around every single day.
Its also fallen apart in some things that I never thought I'd lose.
     I've had to let go of two things that have taken up most of my time and shaped the last two years of my life.
I've made life altering mistakes, and decisions I never thought I would make, are now resolved.
     Let's not forget my first college blunder- doing a crappy job on that stupid photoshop assignment because I was so frustrated, turning it in half done, thereby lowering my grade a letter. And my big college triumph- declaring a major!
Sort of sad that I have to write about my first semester saying, "I don't really know what to think about it"
Sad, and exciting to have to figure it out.


I can say that I love this place, these people, the direction things are heading, and I appreciate the people that had a place in getting me to this point all the more.

                                          The only picture I have of my first week of college.

A picture from last week

here it goes again

I'm trying to remember that things always seem bad at first, but then they get better as time goes on and you see that you still breathe in and out, you still laugh, you still enjoy things. Its the end of the semester. I have this awesome video project where I know like 500 people that could do better on it than I can, it scares me like none other because I have no idea what I'm doing and yet still I love it. I have my all-time favorite band's concert tomorrow, I have my birthday, still have the best friends that anyone could ever ask for, and Christmas just around the corner.
And yet...
and yet I wonder.
I look for better things.
I ache for what I don't have.
Never settling for what's good in front of me.
I hate this part of myself sometimes.

christmas garland

DAY 5 WHAT'S IN YOUR PURSE

phone, sunglasses, febreze, sharpie, wristband, lotion, tampon, ipod, earbuds, money, needtobreathe daylight (i need to put it in my car), flash drive, zicam, pens and pencils, 4 gauge tapers, watch, handsanitizer, tape, handcuffs, washers, bolts, hancuff keys, checkbook, more sunglasses, leather cord, wallet, paper sack, ipod case, vaseline, party poppers, necklaces, lots of granola bar crumbs in my actual bag. and my camera would be in there but I had to take the picture.

dot dot dot

I don't need someone on this earth to follow.
I've never hopped on board completely with what Christian authors say about the Bible, ready to follow someone else's interpretations because they sell copies and make people cry.
I've never liked a song just because its on itunes top 10.
I've never joined a club because my friends were in it.
I've never been peer pressured into doing something I didn't want to.
I have a tendency not to change my mind when someone is wanting me to, good or bad :/
Nobody has to tell me that I'm valuable.
I don't know where this adamant, individualistic behavior came from, its certainly something that not a lot of people understand.
I believe that most things are relative because everyone's headed somewhere different, half based on desires and personal priorities, half based on circumstances.
You make your choices, I'll make mine.
But you,
I'd follow you anywhere.
and that scares me.

i dont know what to write

but music speaks.

Beautiful things make me cry.
You know, people, pictures, movies.
Tea and coffee make my tummy hurt at night.
I can't keep my nails painted for more than a day.
Needtobreathe is my happy place.

And... I'm looking forward to Christmas.

You should make a blog too.

dang girl

Its been a crazy awesome week and another one on the way!
I can't believe its almost the end of the semester.
I also can't believe how much I have learned, and how much I love sharing life with these girls in my hall.
My biggest worry over break is what I'm going to do without them.
I'm on the brink of very exciting things, but I love that I have enough to do in the mean time to keep me from freaking out. Here's some pictures I took this weekend in the beautiful fallness.

Day 4 a song that you relate to today




I turn my head 
I can't shake the look you gave 
And I'm good as dead 
Cause oh those eyes are all it takes 
And all I want is you 

So I pull away 
All I do is sit and wait 
And I might as well write the words right on my face 
That all I want is you, oh is you 

Because I've kept my heart under control 
Oh but lately all this time has taken its toll 
Said I tried to but I can't hold back what's deep in my soul 
So darling please forgive me 
I want you and you'll just have to know 

And all my fears creep and crawl across my skin and 
These four walls are after me and moving in 
And all that I want to do 
Is give up, give in, let this one stay where it is 
But I don't suppose I will


Because I've kept my heart under control 
Oh but lately all this time has taken its toll 
Said I tried to but I can't hold back what's deep in my soul 
So darling please forgive me 
I want you and you'll just have to know 

One of these days I'm gonna find myself a way 
I'll find the courage and I'll find the grace 
And I'm gonna know just what to say 
And you'll walk on up when you want this love 
When you've had enough and you've given up 

Because I've kept my heart under control 
Oh but lately all this time has taken its toll 
Said I tried to but I can't hold back what's deep in my soul 
So darling please forgive me 
I want you and you'll just have to know


Let me tell you about nascar, big cities, and the little bit of life I discovered in each of them.
Nascar- do not be fooled by its pretty cars, loud, adrenaline-rushing noises, and fancy stadiums. It is STILL nascar. Behind all of its novelty and excitement, it is still all the stereotypical things you think it is. I'm glad I went. I'm glad I got to see it. But there's the white trash stench of beer and smoke everywhere you go, and almost as many people just like the kind you usually only have to see once a year at the fair.  I did get a little excited as I heard them all take off at once, but once you see 196 laps left on the thingy, you realize its not all its cracked up to be. Also, another problem with my experience- I didn't get to see a wreck.
Big Cities- I belong in one. Walking around downtown Ft. Worth was glorious. The beginnings of Christmas decorations were up and I could have walked around for days just seeing what the city has to offer. I love it and I can't wait to move somewhere like that, to make it my city, know the ins and outs, and show people all of its best kept secrets.

mucus in my brains

A few things have happened the past few days. I enrolled for second semester. I went through another future crisis in which I reevaluated all my recent decisions, had a panic attack about the likelihood that I'll actually be able to get paid for doing what I want to do. Had a panic attack about upcoming concerts. Got some more awesome music.


Here's a verse that I liked this morning.
You have done many good things for me Lord, just as you promised. I believe in your commands; now teach me good judgement and knowledge. Psalm 119:65-66

Day 3- Describe your ideal date
Does this mean describe the person or the activity?
Ok, we'll say its the activity because I still don't know what the person is like


I can either put a lot of thought into this and be accused of being too particular, or say some nice general things like, "My perfect date would have nice conversations and we would walk down a beach talking about world peace." Sorry for the Miss Congeniality reference but that's where my mind goes when asked such a cliche question.


So here goes the scenario with way too much thought put into it...
Be warned though, this date is probably way beyond a male's capabilities just because I am a girl and I think like one and well, guys don't. That's not to say I'm a feminist, although I do have feminist tendencies sometimes. That's a different blog though. Let me just say that I acknowledge that the differences in creativity and date ideas between male and female are God-designed and are wonderful in their own way. That being said, you need to understand that I am neither dependent on or expecting this ideal date, I'm just writing what it told me to. There you have it.


This date could be summed up with one name mentioned and that being it, but I will expound to humor you...


Firstly, it would start with a proper invitation. This is something I think guys need to work on.
By proper, I mean more than "Hey, let's do something sometime." I'm also assuming that this is not the first date. First dates are never the best dates. I would want to be comfortable in order to have my ideal date.


In general I would say the guy would pick me up, but there are circumstances where I understand it being ridiculously inconvenient, so I would drive if I had to.
The date would start with something classy like a concert, a local play, a festival that's in town or seasonal activity like Christmas lights. Something you can't do everyday. Then, there must be food. I'm fully okay with that food being street vendor food, fast food, or steak dinner, as long as both parties are flexible. I'd like to see some lighthearted conversation taking place between my date and the waiter or cashier, just because it means he's not clingy. Dinner should be pleasant and lighthearted and include laughter about the day's events. I'll offer to pay for my share the first few dates, or until the guy knows me well enough to tell me when he's broke and I need to help out in order to continue doing nice things. In which case I would be glad to do so. Of course in this case, he pays. It is ideal after all. 
After food, we play. It has to be something that's just mine and his thing. Like stealing street cones, hanging our feet over a bridge guessing what color the cars are, or expanding our expertise in all things ice cream by systematically searching for the best ice cream in all the land. It doesn't really matter what it is as long as its ours. It can just be driving around, looking at what the world has to offer us, blaring music, whatever. 
After that, we find a place that encourages thought and conversation. Coffee shops, parks, couches, and stars are my favorite, but the place doesn't matter to me really. This is where I talk, I dream, I reminisce. Ideally, I wouldn't get to talk for too long, because I start to say things that don't make much sense. The guy should talk too. It should be fun and honest but nothing too serious. No boringness allowed either. Nothing fake either.
Then, it ends with a jam session. Guitar, keyboard, some car to play drums on, it doesn't matter. We sing and scream and laugh and bond. 
A hug and/or kiss and then we say goodnight.
Then, he texts me when he gets home so I know he isn't dead.
The end.


In light of this blog, I asked some people about their ideal dates
Abbey's ideal date is one where he's hot and opens doors, and they do something new.
Christina's ideal date is a nature walk. She's been talking to me about a nature walk since school started.
On Anne's ideal date she wants to go skydiving and then go eat afterwards so that they don't throw up.
Lauren's ideal date requires a hot boy. She wants to go to Taco Bell and then he will take her on a cruise and then they get married on the boat.
Caitlyn refuses to answer.


Now, a Caitlyn quote. "I CAN HEAR when you're phone buzzes and its the SAME AS WHEN YOU'RE TALKING."

day 2

A photo of something I ate today!!!
A strawberry poptart.
And it was delightful.
I toasted it. Sometimes I'm in a toasted poptart mood and sometimes I'm fine with room temperature.
Sort of a boring blog but at least I did it.

eh

I haven't been able to think of many things to write about because I've been so busy so I'm going to do this 30 day blog thing I found. Seriously it was the first thing that came up on google when I typed in blog ideas.

Day 1- A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.

Today was pretty good.

I woke up at 10:30 after staying up til like 2:30

I got ready, went to class.

Made it through that without falling asleep.

I went to lunch with Anne, Christina, and Alex.

I had a corn dog and french fries.

Is this boring you yet?

Then we checked our mail, and I got a thank you card from my nieces!

Yay!

Then a bunch of us watched Friends for a ridiculous amount of time and I did homework and fell asleep in my bed.

Then I woke up and ate some of Alex's new candy.

And Caitlyn played with my hair.

Then we went to dinner

It was Chinese night.

Then I watched my hall's soccer practice, which was a hoot.

Me and Caitlyn shared some nice jokes on the way home.

I fiddled around on the interweb with various amounts of people coming in and out of my room.

Grey's Anatomy

Studying

Private Practice

Shower

And now I'm here. 

Its been a good day.

I love being around people.

Now we're gonna watch friends again. For a while most likely.

You have been sufficiently bored for about a minute probably.

I thank you for enduring it.

did you ever have to make up your mind

Have you ever asked yourself the question, " Am I the type of person who...?" and then fill in the blank with whatever action you are thinking about entertaining.
I used to think I had to stick to my "things"
If it wasn't the sort of thing I wouldn't typically do, I wouldn't do it.
Now though, I realize that by writing notes to people just because, you become the type of person who writes notes to people just because.
And by going to zumba class, you become the type of people that goes to zumba.
Whatever stigmas or social classes are preventing you from doing things that you might want to explore, are worth dropping out of consideration so that you can do new things that you want to try.
Its simple but profound.

Here's some top visited websites of mine...
http://www.operationworld.org/index.html they give you a country to pray for everyday

http://www.youtube.com/ of course

http://www.needtobreathe.net yep, its a pretty cool site

www.mlia.com because my life really is average so i have time to read it

www.foodnetwork.com i dont know why i like reading about food

http://tvlistings.aol.com/listings/ok/shawnee/allegiance-communications-llc-standard?hid=OK35523&zipcode=74801&tab=grid this is how I see what is on tv in shawnee

and of course facebook, twitter, my various email accounts, and online bank

In the words of someone else that I can't remember who said it...
"After Halloween is over, we're starting Christmas!"

friends...

of the tv show and literal variety.
We've been watching A BUNCH of friends.
Like episodes and episodes in a row.
Caitlyn sleeps in my bed and everyone else watches while alternating with homework.
So there you have it.
My friends watching friends.

HERE'S JULIE...

And we though Katie had personality.

This one's a hoot.

She holds her own with 3 older sisters.

She's gonna be just like me! Haha... I mean MUAHAHA!

She's just over a year.

I stayed a long weekend in July and helped her take her first steps before her first birthday.

She can't say my name yet but we're working on it.

She's a really good eater... for me anyway.

We shared our favorite meal and she ate more than me...

leftover macaroni and cheese, chicken nuggets, a roll, and a banana.

It was delicious.

I've decided that every age of baby-ness has its advantages.

But I especially like the year to eighteen months stage, because they do cool things like walk and communicate but they still let you rock them and take naps with them.

321 happenings

We've got...
corn pillows
a new big fridge
the windows opened
Edward Cullen
indoor soccer season coming up
Graham Colton tickets
NASCAR tickets
and very little homework

Needless to say, its been a pretty nice welcome back from fall break.

I was going to upload a picture and talk about my last niece, Julie but the internet IS NOT WORKING... AGAIN.
How do people live like this?
Instead I will just tell you that I am loving life and living it up. The changes in my life recently are things I wouldn't change for the world, and besides anticipating a few concerts this coming fall, I am absolutely content.
Therein lies my problem, and something I've been learning the hard way.
Contentment is hard and
No matter how good you think you are with God, and how blessed and grateful you are...
Sin can and will find you.
Be aware.

anticipation

Fall break was a success.
Its been a busy couple weeks in music. Kings of Leon's new album is out! Need's live EP comes out tomorrow and so does Taylor Swift's. I've also been enjoying Mumford and Sons and O.A.R. for the first time in a while. I love revisiting old albums I forgot I had. Needless to say I've been with my ipod more than the TV- or my textbooks for that matter!

I got back a little early to get settled in and it was then I realized how ready I was to see all these people that were strangers a couple weeks ago. They're all getting back now though, so I'm going to go see them!

peace

I'm waiting for my bagels to bake. In the mean time I have a smorgasbord of things to talk about.
Yesterday I updated my itunes! Few things make me as happy as new music :)

I miss having a fully equipped kitchen at my disposal more than I can express. I put on my music, throw a towel over my shoulder (sometimes put on my apron), and then get to work making a hot mess in the kitchen. I wouldn't consider myself an artist in any art mediums, but baking is one way I can make something that people actually enjoy strictly for pleasure. Maybe that's what art is anyway.

I realized something big the other day and I've been thinking about it a lot.
I'm single. And I like it. It doesn't feel like a temporary status until I find someone to spend the rest of my life with. It feels like fun, and doing what I want. It feels like hanging out with fun people that I want to hang out with. Maybe its selfish, but I don't have to think about anyone else on that level. Its part of being young. There's blessings in dating and marriage and stuff, but I'm enjoying the promise of the unknown purely at my own disposal. I always thought I'd get married in college somewhere along the way, but now that freaks me out. There is a world out there I want to discover by myself a little I think. I'm having a blast right now regardless of how it turns out.

I'm about to make a bold statement.
The kind of thing that I'm afraid to make a defining decision about because it either jinxes it or I change my mind and then everyone's like "I thought you said..." and then whatever it was that I said.
But, here I go.

2010 has been the best year for me. Like ever.
And not necessarily circumstantially.
A lot's happened, a lot has changed. And I'll never be the same.
Spiritually I got better- and worse- and then better still again, then back to worse... and that's taken me a long way.
That's actually what's helped the most with my enjoying life regardless of what is going on.
Also, the fact that I've found things that I love in everything.
My bagels are delicious by the way.

I'm 85 percent sure I'm getting a tattoo. We'll see.
Good night beautiful world.

i want

peace
my mom's food
sleep
a good book
a good concert
my shower
my bed
no homework
basically what i'm looking for is a nice, fat.... FALL BREAK

This week has been sort of uneventful and sucky and I'm finally enjoying a Friday night so I'm gonna have to blog you later.

Today I am thanking God for laughter. I have laughed more today than I remember in a long time.
Special thanks to Abbey, Caitlyn, Anne, Christina, Alex and everyone else in my hall.

ive been thinking

mks (Macey, Katie, Stevie) Macey said "push those cuz they're in our names"

y "Andi can I push that cuz its in my name too?"

Anyway, I love being at my sisters house. Its like my second home. Err... my third home. I have a dorm now too. :/ Its weird how much like home that place has become.

Some pictures from this weekend...

she was finding her diaper in the trash

The story on the motorcycle.

I drove it.

Sort of.

Its not my forte.

I killed it about 10 times before I got it to take off.

Then I got it to second gear!!!

It was fun. 

Its an experience that I'm glad I got to add to my list.

who would have thought.

I declared a major today.
Just like everyone told me I would.
And just like everyone said,
ITS NOT SOMETHING I EVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT.
Now, a video.
Anyone know what a dougie is?
Me neither.
But. I. Like. It.
Mind the fat guy at 32 seconds.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OnPJmDc0b_M

10 things that make me happy...

 and why...

10.

 There's something classy about it.

Last fall I went there a lot of week nights, (my favorite was when it was rainy and I was having a bad day) I'd grab a hot white chocolate mocha and walk around with a shopping cart, pretending I was interesting and was there for a purpose. For some reason, it helped. Whatever lame drama was ailing me at the time would go away when I got a glimpse of it going dark outside while staring at delicious baked goods. And I don't know why, but WAL-MART just doesn't have it.

9.

                                    

For obvious reasons.     

Writing #10 made me realize that I wanted one.

8.

What can I say?

I love it. And, I know its cliche and everyone loves music, cause like how could you not, but I do. I really really love it. It moves me. I can't help but feel something when a song matches a feeling, a memory, a mood, a state of mind, anything. Its like for those 3-ish minutes, you know without a doubt that you're doing exactly what you should be doing because everything seems so lined up. You can dance, smile, scream, pump your fists, hit that note, all for no reason at all and yet for all the perfect reasons in the world all at the same time. Its passion in a very personal, individual way, and its different for everyone.

7. 

It feels good to feel something.

I know it doesn't feel good, but exercise is a brain thing too. I always feel like, by feeling pain, introducing new feelings into your primary sensory cortex (vocab word for my test Friday!) you learn to feel something new. When you put on clothes in the morning, you feel them, but how many times during the rest of that day are you aware that your clothes are on your skin? Your body learns to ignore it. You ignore a pretty obvious part of your reality. Exercise lets you know you're alive. You feel your heart again! You feel that, yes, there is pain, BUT there is also accomplishment in feeling that kind of liveliness. 

6.                                                                                               

Well, okay... but you knew I had to. :)

People get sick of hearing about it, but yes, needtobreathe makes me happy. That may or may not be an understatement. I don't know how to explain it so I'm considering leaving it at just that, but it doesn't really do it justice. Sometimes I feel a lot of judgement in this area of my life from people but its part of who I am. I get passionate. Real quick. I will tell you that there's a rush involved in the anticipation of and during a live show. My best friend Dani and I are really the only ones that get it. Its not something I can describe because I can experience the same level of... "something" (since I don't know what to call it.) with other things, like a new song I found, or a love of family or fine foods. I will just say that its great. There.

5.

 Interesting things are... well, interesting.

I really don't know what that's a picture of, but I've learned to appreciate it already. People are cool. The things people do are fascinating. Like photography and books. People are funny and I'm glad I've learned to appreciate it. I think my philosophy professor is weird. But something about his refusal to wear socks and closed toe shoes intrigues me. I want to be good at everything that I enjoy in life, unfortunately, I can't and so I'll settle for looking at a beautiful thing that someone else can take or create and admiring that person and creation. And I'm okay with that.

4. 

I like things in their place.

Something I hate more than doing things I don't want to do...is having something that needs to be done that isn't. Stuff goes back in its place with me. And if it doesn't right away, it goes on a list. A list that drives me crazy if I don't get it done at the end of each day. Which means I make a list everyday. I'm not a neat freak, maybe. Some of what I consider organized is just organized chaos. Regardless, I like getting things done, and having stuff where it should is part of it. Don't ask to see my calendar unless you want a complicated illustration of a lot of very mundane tasks that really don't need to be scheduled. I'm weird.

3.

They're so great.

This is my family (minus the men). And they are the best. Seriously. My dad taught me how to kill others with my words, (I mean, stand up for myself) My mom taught me how to yell (I mean, express emotion) My sister Melissa taught me how to drive a stick shift without my parents knowledge and Stacie taught me how to know when mom was coming into our room so we could stop doing whatever we weren't supposed to be doing. Add to that, Steve, who makes the most annoying noise in the world. Daniel, who can tell the most inappropriate "that's what she said"s. And 4 little girls to keep all of the above busy and you have quite the company.

2.

It is Oh so relieving!

Sneezing, peeing, and yawning are God's little Andi-pick-me-ups. I feel so much better after doing any of these things. Very refreshing. I wonder if they could all happen at the same time. When it does, let me know and we'll call it the Trifecta!

1.

They bring such lovely memories to mind.

Family holidays are weird for me. I remember some knock-down, drag out, flat out stupid, ridiculous things happening during Thanksgiving and Christmas, but it always works out and they remain as a great motivator for getting through the school year. The food is obviously at the top of the list, but also the company and just the activity of doing something different. A special occasion does great things for the excitement levels of an Oklahoma teenager.